I'm skeptical of claims that "affirmative action" means that unqualified people are getting the best jobs, scholarships, and other opportunities. With one exception: white dudes. While many, many white dudes are objectively awesome, some of them---I'll just say it---have been graded on the curves of their white penises.
Which is why I'm grateful that Overrated White Dudes has come into being to help set the record straight. Who out there is getting a lot more attention that he would get on a truly level playing field? OWD is here to explore potential answers to that question. Roll your mouse over some of these entries to get the captions:
So, Pandagonians, what would be your submissions? Whose pale dudeness do you feel has allowed the world to make more of him than he really deserves?
Hey, buying gifts for the holidays is hard enough as it is, but what do you do if you have a wingnut on your Christmas gift list? Well, first of all, if you do, make sure you don’t call it “the holidays”, but only call it “Christmas”, regardless of your own religious or familial traditions. But on top of that, you shouldn’t despair, because here’s the first annual Pandagon Wingnut Gift Guide for the various kinds of wingnuts you have to give stuff to. Make sure it’s all wrapped in red and green, so they don’t suspect that you acknowledge the existence of other holidays! There is a lot of overlap between these categories, of course, so feel free to mix and match.
Pseudo-intellectual blowhard
This person hates the “liberal elite” almost much as they envy them, and therefore expends a lot of effort into trying to seem smart and even, at times, classy. They love dropping $5 words they don’t understand, expounding at length on economic theories pulled out of their asses, and while Ayn Rand is their personal hero, they know better than to actually reference her by name or read her books in public. They desperately want liberals to validate their intelligence, but since that’s not going to happen, instead they front like they’re deep thinkers in online spaces where other poseurs can name drop writers they’ve never read in comments.
Examples: Megan McArdle, George Will, this moron trying to pretend he knows what “nihilism” means
Gift ideas:
1) They frequently embarrass themselves by dropping big words they don’t actually understand, so I recommend the Oxford English Dictionary. Make sure to note when you give it to them how to use it, specifically emphasizing that they don’t have to read the whole thing, but only refer to it as necessary. They’ll probably ignore it, but you did the best you could.
2) An old-fashioned pen-and-quill set, which you can explain is just like the kind that the Founding Fathers would have used. Suggest they write their blog posts out by hand with it before putting them out into the world, to give them that air of true intellectual authenticity. Should slow them down, at least.
Black helicopter guy
This is the paranoid type sure the federal government is out to take his wife and children to be sold for “reparations”. Thinks he personally can bring down tyranny simply by removing the safety features from his guns. Sucks in an endless amount of media that refers directly to or simply nods towards a whole series of conspiracy theories: that the Bohemian Grove is a den of Satan-worshipers, that the President is a secret agent of a foreign country, and that the gun confiscation teams are about to swoop down on his house to disarm him.
1) These things are usually sold for BDSM play, but you could easily convince the gift recipient that it’s actually a device designed to protect him from the one thing he really fears that the liberal-federal-Kenyan-socialist mafia is out to take from him.
2) He probably already plays “Call of Duty”, but if he doesn’t, go ahead and get him the latest edition. Engaging in his militaristic fantasies for hours at a time will distract him from listening to more right wing media, and might calm him down a little.
Internalized misogynist
Does someone on your
holiday
Christmas list have a bunch of pent-up anger that she takes out solely on other women, while pathetically pandering for any kind of validation she can get from men, even right wing losers? Does she claim at times to be a liberal and/or a feminist, but spends most of her time spouting right wing talking points? Does she attack other women as slutty for having the nerve to be young, attractive, or even just seemingly too happy? And then does she turn around and dump all of her anger issues by mocking women who’ve been betrayed by men? Does she have a heightened attachment to rigid gender roles that drives her to act like men who have an ounce of compassion in them are wimps, and women who aren’t them can’t do anything right? Someone has some internalized misogyny.
Examples: Ann Althouse, Maureen Dowd, Sarah Palin (to a degree, though she’s also just an opportunist)
Gift ideas:
1) DVDs of “The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants” and the “Sex and the City” series. Use a little pop culture to introduce the idea that women don’t have to hate each other, but can actually be friends. And if that doesn’t work, try…
2) Pole dancing classes. Get them in the door by appealing to their need to try harder for validation from men who don’t care about returning the favor. Once they’re in the door, maybe they’ll see women getting along, helping each other out, and otherwise being friendly, and the penny will drop. Or maybe not, but it’s worth a try.
Wannabe cheeky asshole
This guy thinks he’s funny, but really he’s just mean. He thinks he’s like those guys that write “South Park”, but he’s more like Biff in “Back To The Future”, expect weaker. He often says mean-spirited shit he actually means, but when called on it, tries to pass it off like he was just joking. Sees himself as a good times guy, but the rest of the world sees him as a brat who dishes it out without wit, and certainly can’t take it.
Examples: Tucker Carlson, Jonah Goldberg, Ace of Spades, James O’Keefe
Gift guide:
1) If you want to get them something that will occupy their time but continue to convince them that they have wit they don’t, I suppose any season of “South Park” on DVD.
2) But if you want to give them a gentle nudge in the direction of what actual comedy looks like, may I recommend starting them with a P.G. Wodehouse reader? They’ll probably relate to Bertie of the Bertie and Jeeves story—-a worthless aristocrat who is indeed a good times guy, who spends most of his time gambling, drinking, and womanizing. But this time, the humor will actually be sharp and pointed, and they might learn a thing or two. Plus, you’re inching them towards more actual reading.
Golf pants-wearing weenie
These are the Republicans that wish other Republicans didn’t have to be in the party to win elections. They just want some tax cuts, some foreign adventures, and for the little people to shut up. They waver between admiring the politicians like them for their pandering skills and being annoyed that they have to deal with all this gays and abortion crap just to get some tax cuts.
Examples: Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, probably John Boehner
Gift ideas:
1) There is an entire industry of golf crap to give them. This isn’t so hard.
2) However, if you don’t want to buy yet another golf-related gift, buy them a few rounds in the tanning bed, so they can look like their new hero John Boehner. Bonus if the tanning salon has complimentary glassware.
Jesus freak
Jesus was a Republican, and he’s not coming back until welfare is gone, creationism is science, abortion is banned, and gays just get back in the closet forever. Some are Catholic, some are evangelical. All are assholes.
Examples: James Dobson, Kathryn Jean Lopez, Tim Tebow
Gift ideas:
1) Fetuses have eclipsed crosses as their team’s mascot, mostly because crosses are used by liberal Christians, i.e. people who think it’s just fine to say “Happy Holidays.” They understandably don’t want anyone to get confused, so fetuses it is. Luckily, there is no end of stuff decorated with pictures of fetuses—-jewerly, T-shirts, checkbook cover, you name it. I highly recommend this fetus Christmas ornament. Nothing says, “You’re a megawatt creep, but I accept that” like giving someone a fetus Christmas ornament that combines their two obsessions into one.
2) If you want to be an ass, you could wrap up “The God Delusion” in the paper cover swiped of George Bush’s new memoir. This is an option if you want them to defriend you on Facebook, which is totally understandable if you’re sick of random Bible verses showing up in your news feed.
So there are my suggestions. Leave your own categories and gift ideas in comments! And, if you enjoyed this, I will happily do a “gift guide for liberals” next week. I promise that it will also be jokey; anyone who has read my book “Get Opinionated: A Progressive’s Guide to Finding Your Voice (and Taking a Little Action)” knows that I don’t hesitate to poke fun at liberals, too. So let me know!
One reason I’m glad the election is over is that it means I can spend more time thinking about and promoting our Radical 80s Prom on December 3rd at the Bowery Poetry Club. Marc made this ad for it that mocks Wham a little, and I have to say I find it quite funny:
It’s $12 at the door, and runs from 10PM-2AM. It’s going to be a mix of 80s music, with an hour of 80s mash-ups. There will be a contest for who has the best outfits, for those who like to dress up, with prizes being donated by Babeland. Jill Filipovic, Deanna Zandt, and Twanna Hines will be our judges, as they all look fabulous all the time. The whole thing is for a good cause, to support Women, Action & the Media, a group that supports progressive women in the media through training, advice, networking, and professional seminars, all in an effort to get more progressive female voices out in a world where men own most of the platform.
That, and I can tell you from experience that feminist dance parties are off the hook.
With that in mind, I thought I’d spend the weeks moving up towards it changing the Friday threads a little to highlight songs I’m planning on playing, to give you a taste of why this is going to be awesome. For one thing, we’re trying to remember the ladies more than most DJs do. Also, a foray into fashion.
Today has been kind of a crazy day—-and I expect it will be that way all the way until the election—-so I thought I’d toss out a more fun post for those two things that go together like peanut butter and chocolate, or lube and condoms: Halloween in election years and political costumes. Putting together a costume that’s basically a political joke is not only a way to relieve some election season tension, it’s also a great way to dodge the “wear your underwear and some cat ears” costume pressure for women. If done properly, a funny political costume can be a subtle, non-annoying, totally fun way to remind people to vote the next week. In 2008, I did what all brunettes with bangs pretty much had to do, and went as Sarah Palin. It was so much fun we ended up doing a comedy short video that exploited my costume and a friend’s GI Joe-inspired costume.
This year, I thought it would be wrong not to do a similar political costume, so after kicking a few half-baked ideas around, I settled on being a “mama grizzly”: 50s era dress, apron, pearl earrings and necklace, and bear ears. (I’ll probably also do a bear nose and mouth with make-up.) I’ll probably write a slogan on the apron. I’m thinking “Ban Schools, Not Guns”.
But if you want to use your costume as a political comment, to make fun of the right, or just to represent some major issue of the election season, there are a lot of options.
*Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell: a military uniform with your mouth taped shut, or at least a big X over it. (I’m not a fan of costumes that interfere with socializing.) Attach a gay pride button to your uniform.
*I’ll bet a tea bag could made out of burlap sack, some string, and a stiff piece of paper for the label. This is something you could affix a sign to very easily.
*Aqua Buddha. This costume would be especially fun if you live in Kentucky.
*Kelly Baden on Twitter mentioned her Christine O’Donnell costume: “Suit, witch hat, sign that reads “I am You” , straight brown hair”
*“Second amendment remedies” begs to be a costume. You can get a fake gun and some doctor/nurse costume, maybe with a clarifying sign.
*You could combine a revolutionary war costume with a clown costume to represent the Tea Party: powdered wig and tricorn hat, clown suit and shoes, red clown nose. Get a horn and honk at people, telling them to get the government out of your Medicare.
For this post, at least. Barry has requested that the internets come together as one to make fun of an unfunny, misogynist cartoon, repairing both the humor and the anti-woman attitudes. If you can include a little mockery of anxious masculinity and douchebaggery in general, so much the better. Since Pandagon is the original home of these kind of cartoon remixes—-at least when it came to “Day by Day”—-and since Barry kindly made a version of the cartoon with the bubbles cleared out, I thought I’d participate. Here’s the original:
I went to their website and discovered that a major theme was that women minds, desires, and non-sexual pursuits are nothing but obstacles between men and the vaginas that belong rightfully to said men.
Anyway, I thought I’d have some fun with it.
Leave yours in comments. Barry said I could put a copy of the blank one in the post to make it easier if you want to photoshop it. It’s under the fold. But in the grand tradition of Pandagon remixes, if you want to go lazy and just leave your dialogue in comments, that’s also welcome.
For the homobigots out there who are worried about the downfall of marriage if gays and lesbians are allowed to partake in it, let this be an example of how mundane and committed married life can be for some of us working hard on The Homosexual Agenda.
My lovely wife Kate and I decided, instead of eating babies and participating in an orgy, to spend Friday night cleaning out the pantry and fridge of outdated and spoiled food.
It was a revelation of sorts, with various “science projects” in the fridge, and long-outdated canned goods in the pantry. And some of the dates were frightening.
Some of the fun discoveries in the fridge:
Moldy green Sargento swiss cheese
Ziploc bag containing two boxes of leftover Chinese food, one had leaked through and discolored the box
Rubbermaid plastic container with what looked like was a half of an onion at some point.
Jar way in the back with one dill pickle floating in its water
Deli drawer with various opened packages of deli meats at least a month old.
Apples that have been in there at least 2 months at least and do not look spoiled (that seems unnatural, no?)
Applesauce that was ancient and still didn’t look spoiled (scary)
Various discolored, freezer-burned meats that we didn’t Foodsaver
Some treasures in the pantry:
Three cans of Healthy Choice soups with expiration dates of 9/2009 and 7/2008(!).
Can of Campbell’s Chicken Noodle Soup (that one I’m blaming on Kate), date: 7/2006(!)
Cans of corn dated 8/2009
Open boxes of pasta and rice, who knows how old.
Open box of Lorna Doones
Open bag of Original Goldfish crackers from June
And that was our deviant Friday night of marital bliss, Maggie, Brian, and the rest of you homo-haters out there.
Feel free to share your pantry and fridge purge nightmares in the comments, or tell us about your progressive Friday perversions that should scare the fundies.
Sarah Palin claimed that a “cackle of rads” hijacked feminism (in the same tweet, she also demonstrated a level of understanding of the word “ironic” that would put Alanis Morisette’s to shame!), implying that it’s up to conservatives to reclaim what feminism used to stand for. Perhaps this is the sort of old-fashioned “feminism” she’s talking about. After all, the suffragettes were known for marching down the street with signs that said, “Votes For Women, For Your Mother Finds Your Countenance Displeasing”. (Sloganeering has grown snappier since those days, making signs that much easier to carry.)
I fear, however, as a piece of political satire, this doesn’t quite work. I realize that humor is far from the easiest thing for wingnuts to handle, so I thought I’d, being a softie liberal, reach out and use this as a teaching moment on the subject of what humor is, and how to make it actually funny.
The main thing to understand about humor is that it should have a point. Even fart jokes, when viewed from the right angle, are a dark commentary on the weaknesses and humiliations of the human body. Dick jokes often mine similar territory, but with a focus on the absurd. Above all, good humor is rooted in a brutal honesty.
Let us examine what the point of this joke is. Calling someone ugly isn’t necessarily always a pointless non-joke. For instance, if someone is flailing around, calling their opponents ugly, it can often be funny to examine their own shortcomings in the hawtness department. But the joke there is on the lack of self-awareness on the part of the person flinging “you’re ugly” around. There are great comedians who mine self-deprecating jokes about their own looks, but usually it’s couched in some larger observations. And you can always joke that someone’s physical ugliness is the cause of their personality flaws, but in order to do so, you have to make a convincing and snappy case as to why this must be. I find that this is very nearly impossible to do, due to the brutal honesty requirements of humor. It just doesn’t seem true that ugliness of the face equals ugliness of the soul.
Perhaps this video is an attempt to illustrate Rush Limbaugh’s feminists-are-just-ugly joke that feminism was invented “to allow unattractive women easier access to the mainstream of society.” This is a common premise of conservatives, that women’s sole source of satisfaction is to be validated by male approval, and that therefore women who seek other things (such as professional success and the vote) must be lacking in this department.
But alas, the video actually disproves this premise, as the hawt Republican women, with the exception of someone like Carrie Prejean, are quite obviously women who want to access the mainstream of society for reasons other than simply being on display for men or being Mrs. So-And-So. Sarah Palin is clearly not sitting on her laurels admiring her wedding ring. The idea that access to professions and equality only benefits the ugly is quite nicely shown to be false in this video.
At the end of the day, the only real meaning you can get out of this video is that it’s suggesting that conservative men are so insecure that they need to have fantasy trophies to establish their masculine bona fides. And that is funny, especially when you consider the dark pathos of a situation. After all, the men who enjoy this video are really stretching when trying to claim the hawt women as trophies. Sarah Palin isn’t going home with any of these dudes, you know? Watching a video of beauty queens and good-looking politicians and feeling more manly because they vote like you is even more pathetic than thinking you’re a badass warrior because you really enjoyed that Tom Clancy novel.
A lot of people have asked for a blog post chronicling my impressions of Brooklyn, after having lived in Austin from August 1995-December 2009. Now that we’ve logged in 3 whole months here—-and because the dreariness of the weather is compelling me to do something happy—-I thought this would be a good time to tackle that request. So, for your pleasure, broken down haphazardly, some thoughts. Feedback is most welcome.
What do you miss about Austin? Figured I’d get this out of the way, since people ask it a lot. Besides beloved friends? The weather is the most obvious answer to this question right at this moment, even though my Austin peeps have made it clear to me that they’ve had a pretty bad (for them) winter. I’ve been reassured by many New Yorkers that this is the worst winter in a long time, so I suppose that a trial by fire—-snow, in this case—-is a good way to assure ourselves that we can make it. And now that there’s hope for spring on the horizon, I can say we did. I also miss the Alamo Drafthouse. New York has everything you can imagine, except the Alamo Drafthouse. Because of this hole in the city’s infrastructure, Marc and I have seen exactly one movie in a theater since we’ve been here, when we used to go the movies at least 3 or 4 times a month in Austin, usually more.
Now that this is out of the way, here’s some observations, broken down by category.
Politics and government. So far, an overall improvement. Seeing someone who makes Rick Perry look sane and moderate take 18.6% in the Republican primary only reinforces this sense. New York politics are as fucked up as they get, but it’s really nice knowing that your Senator is unlikely to compare members of minority groups to people who fuck animals on the Senate floor.
New York City is a wonder, of course. It’s really amazing how well the infrastructure works, if you’re an outsider looking in. Sure, the subway system has fucked me a few times, but I rarely get that tense, freaked out feeling that you get in a bumper to bumper traffic jam, when you realize you have no control over what happens. Here, there are options. And even though it takes awhile to get places, that’s not something I usually mind as long as I’m not driving. The green belt in Austin is pretty cool, but it doesn’t hold a candle to living near Prospect Park—-I can’t wait until it warms up. The museums aren’t something you just do on a early date or when your parents come to town, but something you can get a group of friends together to go see. The library is the best thing that’s ever happened to me, I think.
Living in a pedestrian city. When there are a lot of people out and about, walking around, it makes you feel a lot more connected to your larger community. This weather has made it harder than I think it usually is to walk everywhere; I’m looking forward to spring, when I think the radius of “places we walk to” will expand rapidly. Often, taking the subway doesn’t shave significant time off a journey within some parts of Brooklyn, but you still take it to be warm. I look forward to not having to do that. I still am amazed at how people will hold their ground on a sidewalk, especially since I live in stroller derby Brooklyn, and often feel like perhaps the ginormous strollers should cede the right of way. I now get what people complain about. But on the whole, I’ve always been a fan of walking. It feels good, and I don’t understand why so many people resist it.
The fact that being a pedestrian city also means that anything you can imagine is delivered has also been a wonderful thing.
The War on Christmas goes right up to the 11th hour. Build-A-Bear has a series of videos on their website which mention global warming, and, well, they’re building “eco-fascist Manchurian candidates”, although I’m not sure what the normal Build-A-Bear audience is going to be running for. Third grade class president? Are they going to exercise a carbon tax on the field trip bake sale money?
Children shouldn’t be exposed to things like Christmas being imperiled. It’s just…un-Christmaslike, you know? Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer was a Soviet plot to get our children to engage in pagan animal worship, people.
I, for one, will never again take my nonexistent children to the marketing website of this teddy bear assembly store. Before, I knew I could rely on it for straightforward, unbiased information about how a Build-A-Bear Teddy Bear would be my child’s best friend forever. Now? That sacred bond has been irrevocably violated. For shame.
This idea was generated after I posted in my Twitter update “Why do piles of laundry appear to clone themselves?”
What’s your least favorite household chore, and if you have a spouse/roommate/partner, how do you divide the chores?
————
Actually, laundry isn’t my least favorite chore. We live in a one-story house, so it’s only a matter of crossing our living room over to the washer and dryer located in the hall. This is a godsend, given my fibromyalgia.
We have one of those rolling carts with the canvas bags attached that has three sections. We use divide it up as lights/darks/delicates. We also have plastic laundry baskets to carry when I’m feeling ok. So overall, laundry can be done while we’re doing other things. FOLDING LAUNDRY and putting it away sux if you have a mountain to do.
I guess my least favorite chore is DUSTING. Dammit, why does it seem like after you dust it’s only a couple of days later it’s piling up again!? It’s not like we don’t change our filters enough.
Tools of the trade for me are a Swiffer duster (to get first pass of dust), then the Pledge and cloth come out. Taking stuff off, dusting them and then doing the surfaces has to be the most tedious BS imaginable.
Next least favorite is VACUUMING, and I leave that one (and garbage/recycling detail) to Kate. When we had our late great Lab mix Bailey, we had to do this every other day with the nuclear Dyson or there would be tumbleweeds everywhere. She shed like mad. When Bailey passed on, we had only Chloe the Bichon (doesn’t shed), and then adopted Casey the pit bull. Casey’s hair is as short as the Ridgebacks I’ve owned, but she doesn’t seem to shed much, and barely has any hair on her belly. That means Kate now gets a break. We can go a week or more without vacuuming, and even then, no tumbleweeds and it can be done with a Swiffer Vac.
After that, the other chores go fall lower on the list.
* Mopping: Argh; maybe I spoke too soon. This bites; we switch out on this one.
* Doing bills isn’t an issue because most are on auto-draft or I do through bank bill pay.
* Dishwasher detail: don’t mind this since I’m thankful to have one. I lived in places for almost my entire existence without one.
* Cleaning the bathroom: Kate does it.
* Grocery shopping: not really a bother; we have a Kroger less than 2 miles from the house and a Super Target’s about 4 miles away. We usually shop together.
* Ironing: we never bother with it.
* Dog walking: Either both of us do it or I do it; both are easy enough for one person to walk. We also have a small fenced backyard.
* Feeding the dogs/day camp: I usually do the morning shift, feeding and taking them to The Pet Resort at the Triangle since Kate is a zombie in the AM; she picks them up takes them home and feeds them dinner. They don’t go every day (it’s pricey, but Casey and Chloe need the exercise and socialization), but we do the AM/PM feeding split regardless.
I made my case to readers why I should get to sail, but alas, I’m coming up short… With only one day left to vote, and it looks like there was a lot of movement for Mike Lux in the last couple of days; looks like he'll be packing his bags soon…
In a seemingly Herculean lift of support, Mike Lux from Open Left has superseded the strong lead that Joe Jervis nearly locked down earlier on in Round Two.
First place - Mike Lux (45%) Second place - Joe Jervis (26%) Third place - Karl Frisch (12%) Fourth place - Pam Spaulding (11%) Fifth place - Digby (6%)
It is starting to get cold outside. A vacation in sunny Mexico is certainly looking pretty good right about now for these bloggers eager to be named Air America's favorite progressive blogger and win the free seven-day trip.
With over 4000 votes so far and 24 hours left in the cruise competition, will there be yet another surprise before it is all said and done? You tell us. Vote now for your favorite progressive blogger.
Ah, it’s Halloween. Surely you have a favorite scary film list rattling around in your brains (mmmm…brains)...here are some sites to help you jog your memory.
I’ll share a few…
The Exorcist (1973). I didn’t get to see this film at release (I was 10), so I saw it on video and it met all my expectations regarding nightmares. The scene where the beast rises in a shadow in Regan’s room freaks me out.
Night of the Living Dead (1968), Dawn of the Dead (2004), Day of the Dead (2008). Zombies rule. I saw the original on the big screen for the first time at one of the old revival houses in NYC in the 80s; that it was shot in black and white made it very effective. Dawn and Day are unmercifully doom, gloom and gore, a perfect fit. The Day remake’s ending creeped into my nightmares for days.
The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974): OK, this low-budget Tobe Hooper film felt so authentically deranged, and the acting borders on laughable to terrifying (jesus, the sounds and affect of Leatherman and those family members make are so gross and horrible) that my brother and I kept repeating their lines after watching it. I think I’ve see this one at least 5 times. I didn’t bother with any of the remakes.
I need some help for my next Durham News column, so I thought I would ask Pandapeeps for help—specifically if you have waited tables over the years. It can be restaurants large and small, chain or local.
I’m writing an article about tipping here in Durham, as told to us by some of the waitstaff at different restaurants. As I mentioned in the first post I did on this back in 2006, Kate and I are always generous tippers, so much so that in the places we regularly go, waiters and waitresses (or is it waitron, now?) always remember us, sometimes after only being there once—which I cannot figure out, must be my locs) and want us to sit in their sections, and even chat with us about their day, their families, etc. We treat them like human beings—and watch in horror as we see so many patrons skip out without tipping, or become the demanding table from hell.
Q of the day, —who are the cheapskate tippers?
In doing my not-so-scientific research of five servers at very different eateries, a disturbing trend was common. In every case the diners deemed among the 1) most demanding and 2) worst tippers were…drumroll please…
The Sunday post-church crowd that comes in starting around noon, usually in fairly large groups of families. I kid you not, each server has interesting tales of torture tables.
I’ll share the best two, because the waiters both receive not just a crap tip, but something in lieu of money. One received—I sh*t you not, a bible. The other one is probably even worse - the church ladies left him what looked like a $20 bill, but it was a mockup of one that if you unfolded it gave their church address and had scripture on it. Damn, that’s cheaptastic.
A reader pointed me to two sites to check out that confirmed this is a well-known industry phenomenon. 1) Waiter Rant; the site of a waiter/blogger who is currently working on a book about tipping; there’s a recent post about “Tipping Anxiety” that’s worth the click; 2) Richard Beck at Experimental Theology, a Christian who called out his cheapskate brethren in a slam-dunk:
The point is that one can fill a life full of spiritual activities without ever, actually, trying to become a more decent human being. Much of this activity can actually distract one from becoming a more decent human being. In fact, some of these activities make you worse, interpersonally speaking. Many churches are jerk factories.
Take, for example, how Christians tip and behave in restaurants. If you have ever worked in the restaurant industry you know the reputation of the Sunday morning lunch crowd. Millions of Christians go to lunch after church on Sundays and their behavior is abysmal. The single most damaging phenomenon to the witness of Christianity in America today is the collective behavior of the Sunday morning lunch crowd. Never has a more well-dressed, entitled, dismissive, haughty or cheap collection of Christians been seen on the face of the earth.
I exaggerate of course. But I hope you see my point. Rather than pouring our efforts into two hours of worship, bible study and Christian fellowship on Sunday why don’t we just take a moment and a few extra bucks to act like a decent human being when we go to lunch afterwards? Just think about it. What if the entire restaurant industry actually began to look forward to working Sunday lunch? If they said amongst themselves, “I love the church crowd. They are kind, patient and very generous. It’s my favorite part of the week waiting on Christians.” How might such a change affect the way the world sees us? Think about it. Just being a decent human being for one hour each Sunday and the world sees us in a whole new way.
But it’s not going to happen. Because behavior at lunch isn’t considered to be “working on your relationship with God.” Behavior at lunch isn’t spiritual. Going to church, well, that is working on your relationship with God. But, as we all know, any jerk can sit in a pew. But you can’t be a jerk if you take the time to treat your waitress as if she were a friend, daughter or mother.
My point in all this is that contemporary Christianity has lost its way. Christians don’t wake up every morning thinking about how to become a more decent human being. Instead, they wake up trying to “work on their relationship with God” which very often has nothing to do with treating people better. How could such a confusion have occurred? How did we end up going so wrong?
Christians who believe they’ll vanish from Earth in the rapture can now hire an atheist to care for their pets.
For $110, Eternal Earth-Bound Pets offers a 10-year contract guaranteeing that an atheist will adopt the pet that’s left behind by its raptured owner. Additional pets can be covered for $15.
Eternal Earth-Bound Pets has guaranteed atheist reps in 22 states (NC is a new addition, as is GA).
We are a group of dedicated animal lovers, and atheists. Each Eternal Earth-Bound Pet representative is a confirmed atheist, and as such will still be here on Earth after you’ve received your reward. Our network of animal activists are committed to step in when you step up to Jesus.
You’ve committed your life to Jesus. You know you’re saved. But when the Rapture comes what’s to become of your loving pets who are left behind? Eternal Earth-Bound Pets takes that burden off your mind.
...Unfortunately at this time we are not equipped to accommodate all species and must limit our services to dogs, cats, birds, rabbits, and small caged mammals. [Please note: we can now offer rescue services for horses, camels, llamas and donkeys in NH,VT, ID and MT ]
Oh, and if God takes you prior to the Rapture, there’s no refund: “In the event of the death of the subscribing pet owner prior to the Rapture the contract will remain in effect. EE-BP will continue to honor the contract for the remainder of the contract period. We do not adopt / rescue animals except as a result of the Rapture occurance.”
More, from the FAQs:
Q: Is this a Joke? A: No. This is a serious offer to our Christian friends who believe in the Second Coming and honestly care about the future of their pets after the Rapture occurs.
Q: Do YOU believe in the Rapture. A: As atheists we do not hold beliefs in the supernatural or a divine being. Thus, we do not believe in the Rapture. However, we respect the beliefs of others and are open to the possibility that our perspective could possibly be wrong.
Q: How do you ensure your representatives won’t be Raptured. A: Actually, we don’t ensure it, they do. Each of our representatives has stated to us in writing that they are atheists, do not believe in God / Jesus, and that they have blasphemed in accordance with Mark 3:29, negating any chance of salvation.
Well I hope that acceptably-blaspheming owner Bart Centre receives some endorsements from Focus On the Family, the Family Research Council, and Pat Robertson and friends, who have membership lists full of true believers in the Rapture that will benefit greatly from this service.
As one of the diarists at my pad said, this guy makes Joe the Plumber look like a Nobel Laureate. I mean, Jeebus H. Christ on a cracker…has this poor gentleman had a severe head injury or something? There has to be something organically awry with him.
I know we often discuss low-information voters, but I think we need a new term for this level of GOP enthusiast, who discusses chewing tobacco/dip, why Obama’s thinking is gay, and how he needs to be impeached. Well, I think that’s what he’s trying to say. I may be from the South, but this particular dialect is, um, unfamiliar. Kentucky? West Virginia? Tennessee?
Today has been kind of a crazy day—-and I expect it will be that way all the way until the election—-so I thought I’d toss out a more fun post for those two things that go together like peanut butter and chocolate, or lube and condoms: Halloween in election years and political costumes. Putting together a costume that’s basically a political joke is not only a way to relieve some election season tension, it’s also a great way to dodge the “wear your underwear and some cat ears” 
For the homobigots out there who are worried about the downfall of marriage if gays and lesbians are allowed to partake in it, let this be an example of how mundane and committed married life can be for some of us working hard on The Homosexual Agenda.
A lot of people have asked for a blog post chronicling my impressions of Brooklyn, after having lived in Austin from August 1995-December 2009. Now that we’ve logged in 3 whole months here—-and because the dreariness of the weather is compelling me to do something happy—-I thought this would be a good time to tackle that request. So, for your pleasure, broken down haphazardly, some thoughts. Feedback is most welcome.
This idea was generated after I posted in my Twitter update “Why do piles of laundry appear to clone themselves?”
With only one day left to vote
Ah, it’s Halloween. Surely you have a favorite scary film list rattling around in your brains (mmmm…brains)...
I’m writing an article about tipping here in Durham, as told to us by some of the waitstaff at different restaurants. As I mentioned in the first post I did on this 
