Yo Patriarch,

Can a bro hug be from the front?  I’m not sure if the Christian Side Hug ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m_Oj0-splZw ) is a rule or a suggestion, but since it has “Christian” in the name it’s probably more of a rule.  Maybe it’s different with the bros, but some clarification would be helpful.

Word,
Jon with three letters and without an H.

Ugh.

The whole booking an hour of primetime ESPN coverage to announce what team he would choose was just completely absurd.  I respect the fact that LeBron is perhaps the most exciting phenom to come into the NBA since Michael Jordan, but seriously… an hour to make an announcement that only takes 5 seconds?

I dread the prospect of having to endure that amount of ridiculousness in late 2011 if the most feared hitter in baseball hits the free agency market.  If my team has any sense, they’ll just go ahead and give Pujols the $27-30 Million per year contract extension that he’ll probably be expecting before the 2011 season starts.  If he hits free agency, he’ll almost definitely become the highest paid player in baseball history, and he probably won’t be playing for the Cardinals anymore.  St. Louis losing Albert Pujols would cause a collective breakdown in this baseball-worshipping city that would rival that of Cleveland’s upon the announcement of LeBron’s departure.

Can a bro hug be from the front?

Yes.  The proper bro-hug style starts with what some call a “hip hop handshake” followed by a forward embrace with a pound on the back, which is becoming known as a “pound hug.” Chest contact is allowed.

Tyro: close, but when hugging a bro, you have to pound three (and exactly three) times.  Pounding should be hard enough to dislodge lung congestion, but not hard enough to leave a bruise.  Bro hugs using the approved “triple pound” mechanic can occur in a “non-gay” way from the front or sides, but not from behind.

(When approaching from behind, the only acceptable action is to place the bro in a faux-sleeper hold or other submission hold, and possibly apply a noogie, especially if said bro is younger/smaller than you.)

The Patriarchy will be addressing the Hug Controversy shortly at http://www.formspring.me/patriarchy

This whole thing with the LeBros (awesome new term for them, BTW) is ridiculousness. I don’t understand why they all wanted to be on the same team. They all wanted to lose to the Lakers at the same time? Its confusing.

I love your intro music. Cracks me up every time.

See what you miss if you don’t follow basketball?  I was totally unaware that Delonte West had been accused of sleeping with LeBron’s mother.  Too juicy a scandal to pass up . . .

Thanks, Mighty Ponygirl!

Big ups for the info, Patriarcmarc.  Big big ups.  Word to your mother.  Out.  Et cetera.

The whole booking an hour of primetime ESPN coverage to announce what team he would choose was just completely absurd.

It’s been going on for a while—maybe not in prime time, but high school superstars have held televised press conferences to announce where they are going to college:

http://www.newsobserver.com/2009/11/10/184440/barnes-announcement-to-be-televised.html

That one lasted about an hour, too.

My brain hurts realizing how homophobic the average American man is now.  I grew up in an ethnic household where men hugged and routinely did normal things that involved being a regular adult.  I’m just confused how men today have to disassociate normal affection one can feel from sex as if the two are intimately bonded and in no way can be separated without some convoluted idealism about “bromance.”  To put it bluntly, if you wish to have sex with a same-sex partner, you are in fact gay or atleast bisexual.  If you do not then no amount of hugging, butt slapping, or other strange gestures will make you gay or if you live in a world where homophobia doesn’t exist: make anybody else think you’re gay. 

I’m both torn between slapping the snot of people who talk about bromance seriously and going down to the ad exec’s office and beating them for sexualizing everything in life.

I didn’t know about the mom angle.  Everyone in Cleveland must hate that guy.

Famously, one of Ken Griffey, Jr.‘s teammates slept with his mom, but that was never a reason given for him leaving Seattle. 

Sexuality is way more liquid than that, or it wouldn’t be such a problem.

I know, I chose to opt for a very simplistic ideal because in most cases the basic biological functions function perfectly normal, society twists them to create the awkward moment. 

To comment on the stupidity of an hour of LeBron James: I watched while reading mainly.  He is a media phenomenon, it seems basketball is more susceptible to this approach than other sports because of the individual nature of the sport’s storyline.  James going to play for Miami is wonderful for Miami and reinforces the image of the Northern US as a bad place to live.

Cleveland is starting to sound a little like the “nice guy” complaining that they just can’t get the hot girl.  Face it Lebron just wasn’t that into Cleveland.

I’m not a Cavs fan, but I think Cleveland and its fans have a legitimate beef.  I disagree with the “nice guy” assessment:  this isn’t a matter of a hook-up or attempted hook-up; it’s a matter of a breakup.  In this instance, it’s the opposite of the “let’s get engaged on the jumbotron” phenomenon; it’s the “let’s break up on the jumbotron.” 

LeBron has finished his contract and deserves to go wherever he wants to play.  The “decision” special was in horrible taste, IMO, because it was what amounted to a very public and very drawn out dumping of his fans. 

Want to sign with Miami and don’t care about Cleveland?  Just have a 5 minute press conference saying “I’ve decided to sign with Miami…” 

Want to sign with Miami and care a little bit about the fans you’re leaving behind?  Have a press conference in Cleveland thanking the fans for their support, etc. 

Want to sign with Miami and make sure that you need extra security whenever you come back to Cleveland?  Do exactly what LeBron did.

Another issue about LeBron’s signing elsewhere:  he should have notified the team in advance.  They didn’t know where he was going until shortly before the show went on the air.  This is a team that didn’t make a personnel move without LeBron’s approval, and they had a right to know LeBron was leaving as soon as LeBron knew he was leaving.

I don’t agree with Cleveland’s strategy from the beginning:  no player should have that power, especially not at the age of 25.  The coach and GM need to be more powerful than any single player on the team or that team is set up for failure, IMO.  For example, Michael Jordan didn’t want the Bulls to draft Scottie Pippen; he wanted Joe Wolf over Pippen and Horace Grant, but in this case, somebody who was a better personnel guy had more power.  I think that worked out okay for Jordan, although he still hasn’t developed a talent for picking players (e.g. Kwame Brown and Adam Morrison, etc.).  http://tinyurl.com/26muofv

LeBron had player personnel power, coaching personnel power, and even power over the team’s travel schedule, which is a bit crazy.  The Cavs even had to hire some of LeBron’s friends into important, high-paying positions, something that Miami was also willing to do.  Other teams, such as Chicago, weren’t willing to stoop to that level to get LeBron, so they were never really serious contenders for his services
http://tinyurl.com/2dcg8w9

Dplus:
I agree that is was a bad way to handle a break-up, but he had a lot help with the decision show,  ESPN could have turned it down, but it did get ratings.

it is kind of weird to me that people would waste so much emotional energy on sports.  I like sports but I know people who really freak when their team loses.  The Lebron incident probably didn’t show anyone at their best.

the other thing about the Lebron Cav split is it got a lot of people talking about the NBA.  I am not a big basketball fan but I will probably watch next year to see if the Heat can pull it off.

Bro hugs using the approved “triple pound” mechanic can occur in a “non-gay” way from the front or sides, but not from behind.

What about after a soccer goal? Are jumping pound-y from behind hugs okay then? Or is soccer already too gay so it doesn’t matter at that point?

Actually, “jumping pound-y from behind” sounds pretty gay all by itself… maybe I answered my own question? :D

Lebron may have been a little dickish about how he left Cleavland, but the reaction of the Cavs owner was WAY over-the-top, especially since it’s not like the outcome was really in doubt.

Cleveland couldn’t afford to buy a winning team like the Heat could.  It’s business, not a cruel slight against Ohio.

That’s one of the biggest misconceptions about the whole thing.

Money wasn’t the issue, and it wasn’t LeBron’s principle motivation for the choice he made… quite the contrary, had he stayed in Cleveland, he would have gotten more money then he’ll be getting playing for Miami.

The NBA has a hard salary cap, which limits a team’s total payroll.  Had he remained with the Cavs, there would be more money available to pay him as Cleveland doesn’t have the same amount of superstar talent as the Heat.  With Miami, though I’m sure he’ll be the highest paid player, his salary will be diminished because of the huge salaries that Wade and Bosh will also be getting.

All of which means that James may have had many reasons for bailing on Cleveland, but salary wasn’t won of them.  He’s effectively taking a paycut by joining the Heat.

The only one of the four major American pro sports leagues left without a hard salary cap is Major League Baseball, and that’s probably due to the fact that the Major League Baseball Player’s Association (MLBPA) is considered one of the most powerful unions in America, in terms of negotiating power within their business.  The main reason why MLB players aren’t subject to more stringent testing for performance-enhancing drugs (such as HGH) is because MLBPA won’t allow it.  The only reason they have any testing at all is because Congress threatened to intervene if they didn’t do something.  MLBPA’s clout is also why baseball may never adopt a hard salary cap, because the owners are terrified of ever repeating 1994 again.

Lebron may have been a little dickish about how he left Cleavland, but the reaction of the Cavs owner was WAY over-the-top, especially since it’s not like the outcome was really in doubt.

I agree that the Cavs’ owner stepped way over the line in his response, but I don’t think it’s accurate to say the outcome was certain before it was revealed… Miami, Chicago, New York, and Cleveland were considered the front-runners for getting (or keeping) LeBron.  The one thing Cleveland could offer James that the others wouldn’t be able to is the biggest salary offer, as they had the most available money within the salary cap of the four teams competing for him.

Murrow, by the evening of the event everyone was saying either Chicago or Miami. No one I know really seriously thought he would stay with Cleveland, except for die-hard Cav fans.

Murrow, by the evening of the event everyone was saying either Chicago or Miami. No one I know really seriously thought he would stay with Cleveland, except for die-hard Cav fans.

I’m aware of that.  But in the week leading up to it, the choice still did appear very much in the air, and sure, by the afternoon of the ESPN announcement, it was pretty widely assumed that Miami was gonna be the pick, but some analysts were still giving plausible reasons why he might stay in Cleveland.  LeBron’s ties to the state of Ohio long preceded his Cavs’ career, and when the Cavs wound up picking him up in the draft, there was a whole lot of hometown pride mentality, not just because of LeBron’s huge potential, but also because he was a ntaive son of Ohio.  And of course there was also the issue of money - no team was going to be able to make LeBron as big of an offer as Cleveland would have.  Granted, if the magic trio that have been brought together in Miami can start winning NBA titles year after year, LeBron’s product endorsement money is going to skyrocket (not that he doesn’t already make a lot of money in endorsements).

Bagelsan: it is always acceptable to tackle a bro from behind if he has done something awesome, like score a touchdown.  If the sport you’re playing is particularly gay (like soccer) you just have to hit him hard enough that it’s obvious to him and your other bros that you’re doing it in a totally non-gay way.*

* There has actually been talk of banning this practice in some pro sports in the U.S. because of the number of players who are getting injured by their own teammates during celebrations - I kid you not!

* There has actually been talk of banning this practice in some pro sports in the U.S. because of the number of players who are getting injured by their own teammates during celebrations - I kid you not!

That’s what happens when you let your womanfolk watch the game with you. It starts getting all sissified.

Real men know that the practice of pounding on your teammates in celebration is meant to eventually weed out the weaklings from the team. Survival of the fittest. RAWWR! That’s also why it’s your manly duty to eat meat. If God had wanted these creatures to live, he wouldn’t have made them delicious.

@BlackBloc

While meat certainly is delicious, I think that if God had wanted those creatures to live, he would have endowed those animals with a Constitutional Right to Bear Arms.

This is why we don’t eat bears.  God and Thomas Jefferson said so.

It is for this reason that it is very important to distinguish between the constitutional right to bear arms, and the constitutional right to arm bears.

@Atheist & BlackBloc, LOL, choked on my drink.  I’m going to have to write that one down.

По дороге от Сада Руин к вокзалу обнаружили еще большую триумфальную арку, посвященную Республике (надеюсь, вы помните. Что даже гимн Франции называется «Марсельеза»?) 70-663. Почти у ее подножия (ну, через узкую улочку) раскинулся «блошиный рынок», на котором торгуют (да и покупают тоже) сплошь алжирцы, марокканцы, тунисцы. Бродят колоритнейшие личности. Например, нам навстречу шла необъятных размеров негритянка в ярчайших полосатых штанах, обтягивающих живот, не менее яркой коротенькой блузе и невообразимой шляпке. Похожа она была, как близнец, на бегемота из «Ну, погоди», который арбузы выбирал 70-680J

Кварталы вокруг вокзала заполнены небольшими дешевыми отелями (путеводитель утверждает, что они – самые дешевые во Франции). Глядя на окружающее, легко в это поверить. Грязь, шум и толкотня, ни одного зеленого кустика. Нам в трудом удалось отыскать более или менее 83-640 приличное кафе, чтобы выпить по стакану сока (было очень тепло, если не жарко, пить хотелось сильно).

Часто в литературе (да и в путеводителях) нам попадалось мнение, что Марсель похож на Одессу (или наоборот, не суть важно). Феликс, во многом из-за этого, стремился посмотреть на Марсель. И что же? Никакого сходства мы не заметили – разве что крошечные участки вокруг старого порта отдаленно напоминают, но ведь любые портовые города имеют определенное сходство. Осмотрев порядочный «кусок» Марселя, мы сочли, что такое сравнение BH0-006– оскорбление для Одессы. Она гораздо чище, намного красивее и интереснее с точки зрения архитектуры, да и негритянских блошиных рынков (устрашающего вида) в Одессе мы не встречали.

...Do “bears” tackle other men from behind in a gay way, then? :D

(I feel like we should be constructing a Venn diagram including gayness, sports/tackling and bears now… that’s a pretty fucking manly diagram.)