I know, I know, it seems like a dumb question. But there are actually some bros who care about all this namby pamby enviro crap. Do they have a point, or are they just faking it to get some tail? You ask, the Patriarchy answers in Ask the Patriarchy:
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This whole thing is stupid. Asking questions is for wimps. So is answering them.
I will need to refer to my earth as sissy tits from now on.
Hmm. I’m thinking Captain Planet *wouldn’t* like man-made oil geysers. Maybe he’s not patriarchal enough to illustrate the planet. Atlas holding up the world might work better.
Very funny, though. Will this be an ongoing addition to the blog?
Here’s a transcript I threw together because most of the time I can’t get YouTube and it annoys me when there is no transcript:
Are you white? Straight? And packing a baby cannon that works? And of the firm belief that the Lord Jesus Christ delivered us the Second Amendment when He descended from Mount Testosterone? Then you are in the right place, because this is Ask the Patriarchy.
{Bump: ASK THE PATRIARCHY!}
Buckley in Omaha writes, “Dear Patriarchy. I feel bad about the oil spill. I’m not mad because some stupid dolphin’s too lazy to swim around some dark spots; I’m mad because all the oil that should be going into my John Deere Lawn Humper 280 is being wasted on all those fishes. But it sucks that I care about the same thing as those dirty hippie baby eaters. How do I reconcile this?”
Dear Buckley, please turn in your tiny little member and start knitting yourself a vagina, because *you* are not a real man. You probably believe all that tampon propaganda about how the Earth is all femme and deserves names like Gaia and Sissytits. But I’ve got news for you and your vajazzled parts, Buckley—the Earth is ALL MAN.
See, the outside of the Earth is like a sack, protecting the manly core of the planet. Sometimes that core fills up, and needs a release. The oil spill is not some boo-hoo tragedy; it’s the Earth busting a nut, and we need to celebrate the spreading of that seed.
Any bird-worshipping granola smokers who can’t handle the Earth popping a facial can haul their asses to the moon, which is almost as dusty as their dried-up baby holes. And that includes *you*, Buckley. Because the only pubes this Earth sack has room for is real men. This is the Patriarchy, reminding you that it’s okay to masturbate on the subway, as long as she’s hot.
@Samantha - 1) that was sorta the joke with Captain Planet there, the Patriarchy totally misappropriating him. 
2) Maybe! We’ll see.
@Alara - Thanks so much for the transcript! I will def remember to publish one next time.
The projectile nature of the brown stuff spewing out of the oceans floor makes me think maybe the earth drank a lot of beer and had a few too many chicken wings. Or perhaps smoked a lot of weed and went to whitecastle.
@#4:
In the infinitismally small chance that I should ever get to travel to another world wherein lives intelligent life, I dearly hope I’ll remember to announce that I come from the Planet Sissy Tits.
Your character’s attitude and dress is almost exactly like my freshman roommate in college. Fucking hilarious!
Do more, please!
You know, when I was a kid I thought the Captain Planet supervillains were ridiculous strawmen, but now that we have Glenn Beck telling you to turn on your car on and letting it idle in your driveway just to “raise pounds of carbon, to irritate the left” and Rush Limbaugh telling us to turn all the lights on in our house on Earth Day to “make liberals angry”, I think Ted Turner was onto something.
That was awesome! Thanks for posting.
The sad part is, the persona was so familiar, so real. Good call on the hat, btw.
The best part about the hat: it was given to me non-ironically. Sometimes, family members really don’t know who you are.
Can you explain to this French Canadian what is so objectionable about the hat? I feel like this is one of these cultural cues that I’m not familiar with.
Can you explain to this French Canadian what is so objectionable about the hat? I feel like this is one of these cultural cues that I’m not familiar with.
Possibly associations with the stereotypical frat-boy look common among frat-boy types on many mainstream US campuses obsessed about watching sports, drinking up a storm, being allergic to books and other manifestations of intellectualism, and otherwise doing things to prove they are men and not socio-economically privileged overindulged boys.
The types who would do things like overturn a bunch of trucks and cars on city streets after the local football team won a homegame like a bunch of frat-boy types did in the city of Boston after the Patriots won big some years back…..
Assuming this Marc is Mr. F, glad to see you posting here. I hope we’re “Punkass” enough for you…
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Regarding the oil spill, describing it as Earth’s jizz makes as much sense as anything the testosterone-poisoned Reichwing says. But as a 6’+ Dirty Hippie Mangina myself, I guess I don’t have a right to an opinion, unlike the guy who drives one of these...