The John McCain campaign has been autoswiftboated.

Autoswiftboatic asphyxiation?

That’s what they call it when you do something so dumb that all the talking heads are talking about is the dumb thing you did, leaving no time to talk about anything else.

I don’t know, but we need a term. I thought “autoswiftboating” works.

Ah, I remember well those conversations about which superhero/ team (and its fans) sucked so hard, they only deserved scorn.  In fact, I remember one kid in a comic book store in Gloversville, New York (circa 1992) telling me with a pitiless smirk, “It’s a proven fact that any Marvel hero could beat up any DC hero.  It’s just a fact.  Everyone knows it.”

Pity Young Bradley, with his stack of Green Lanterns and Justice Leagues.  I was a dork even among the nerds.

Anyway… John McCain couldn’t beat Barack Obama, even if Obama let him wear the Infinity Gauntlet and a Green Lantern ring.  McCain would go to make his first move, and Obama would use his Power Cosmic to erase McCain from existence so fast even the Watcher would be all, “What the fuck just happened?  I must’ve blinked.”  And if McCain tried to bring the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants to cover his back (Magneto, Mystique, Pyro, the Blob, and Karl Rove), Obama would just dispatch them with his telekinesis.  And even if they did land a punch, his healing factor would fix him up faster than you can say “Make Mine Mondale!”  And deep down, even McCain’s fans know this is true.*

*If they’re not total spastic dweeb dipshits.  Which they are.

At some point in Blackazoid’s first term, Rudybot will freeze Blackazoid with his mighty PatriotRays and MagiMitt will bind him with his holy underwear.  At that point, Rovetron will pull of Blackazoid’s mask ... revealing him to be the First Black President, Big Dawg Bill.

I, for one, welcome our Blackazoid Overlord.

The decades long, nay, centuries long plan to undermine America with a shocking dose of Negritude is finally coming to fruition.  It’s a beautiful thing to see.

The truly beautiful thing is that Obama, using his time travel powers, personally set the plan in motion centuries ago.

Oooh, is that a dis of Aquaman?  What, you think you can win without Atlantis’s electoral votes?

The truly beautiful thing is that Obama, using his time travel powers, personally set the plan in motion centuries ago.

And yet he forgot to arrange for being elected mayor of Lower Moosefuck so he could brag about his executive experienve? Sloppy work, Blackazoid!

Scott, Atlantis is fully aware that Aquaman is completely worthless on land, and anything he does on water can be done by well over half the Justice League.  Anybody can pick on Aquaman and Atlantis will forgive them.  He’s like Dennis Kucinich in that regard, except Dennis Kucinich is awesome.

Also, I’m pretty sure that Atlanteans don’t vote in the general election—something about the compromise that allows them to keep Aquaman as their monarch means that they get a primary, but that’s it.  That’s why, towards the end, Blackazoid didn’t campaign quite so hard there.  That, and he was busy using his heat vision to destroy Giulactus’s planet-devouring machine (See TWO-FISTED CAMPAIGN TRAIL TAILS #47 for the whole story, True Believer!  ‘Nuff said!  Excelsior!)

Uh… that should be “TWO-FISTED CAMPAIGN TRAIL TALES,” of course.  Obviously, I learned everything I know about copy-editing from silver age comic books…

Bradley: That Brotherhood of Evil Mutants crack was GOLD. Karl Rove=The Toad?

Main post: “Oahu Harlem” cracked me up, since I live in HI.

Everybody knows Blackazoid is secret best friends with Namor, the Sub-Mariner, who will watch with glee when our cities are engulfed with maritime justice. Is he ready to lead?

Klaw/Killer Frost ‘08!

And John McCain sucks.  Aquaman could kick his ass, seriously.

Considering McCain’s and Palin’s ties to the oil companies, and particularly their demands for offshore drilling, this is looking more and more likely.

Namorita is representing the under-water realms’ Blackazoid campaign.

“Karl Rove=The Toad?”

The Toadblossom, of course.

“Our dear hero has reached the 50%...”-Jesse Taylor

Obama finally gets his convention bounce but he only gained about 5 points.  Not much of a bounce.  According to Gallup, there’s not really much of a change from where they started in the month of Aug.  Remember, McCain’s going to get a bounce as well, so I wouldn’t start cheering just yet if I were you.

With the debates on the horizon you should be worried, McCain lives for that crap.  You had better hope Obama can come up with a better answer than “that’s above my pay grade”.

I’m ridiculously pleased that The Falcon is today’s Blackazoid avatar. After all, the American avian population are notorious swing voters.

I’m thinking that if the rest of the convention looks like last night, McCain’s not going to enjoy much of a bounce.  Joe Lieberman staring into the camera to address his “fellow Democrats” [sic]... only to say “Vote for McCain, ‘cause he’s a neat guy” (that’s a paraphrase) was pretty much the lowlight of the evening—their moment to actually give independents and Democrats a reason to consider their candidate, and it just boiled down to more boilerplate rhetoric about being a maverick and being a sincere guy.  Pretty weak.

Although, to be fair, there were plenty of other less-than-spectacular moments.  George W. Bush doing the absolute least he could do—a lame video presentation that inadequately guestimated how long applause would last—was pretty pathetic.  Fred Thompson apparently dozing off while he was talking wasn’t too impressive either.  The music was even worse than the Democratic convention.  George H.W. and Barbara interrupting the proceedings in order to find their seats when the fire marshall got up to talk (?) was especially ill-planned, as was George and Babs’s decision to share a joke, apparently, with the people they were sitting with just as the firefighter was talking about death and devastation—so the C-SPAN camera could cut to the former president and his wife laughing uproariously while they were supposed to be thinking about the loss of innocent life.

The Republican Convention has been strictly amateur-hour.  Repetitive, uninspiring, occasionally mean-spirited.  Everything the Democratic Convention wasn’t.  Unless Palin really knocks it out of the park tonight, I don’t see this convention helping anyone but Barack Obama.

Uh… that is to say…

Despite the epic team-up between Bushwhacker, Captain Sleepy, and Dr. POWer, in-fighting and lack of commitment to a cohesive plan of action caused them to destroy each other before Blackazoid even appeared on the scene.

MikeEss,

You seem to think the only experience Palin has is as mayor, she’s the gov of a state.  You (liberals) kept saying experience doesn’t matter, now you want to put experience on the table.  Good!  Obama has no experience compared to McCain.  McCain has crossed party lines to get things done in DC.  McCain has challenged his party.  Obama has not reached across the aisle to do anything, he has not challenged anyone (in his party) to get anything done.  Obama is just a party line liberal who wants to be the pres. 

I look forward to the debates because McCain is going to show your “community organizer” what real experience looks like.  Obama will have to think his way through the questions trying to figure out which way the polls blow and McCain will answer the questions without having to wonder how the polls will react.  Without his teleprompter, Obama is useless.

McCain/Palin 08’

I’d love to see the example of the liberal who says “experience doesn’t matter.”  I know, I know—that’s what conservatives say liberals are saying, but it’s not true.  In fact, I’m counting on Barack Obama’s experience—these past few years, he has gotten right every issue McCain and his surrogates have gotten wrong (woman’s right to choose, race relations, LGBT rights, and—and this is the big one, really—the war with and occupation of Iraq).  No, I get that McCain has experience Obama doesn’t have—experience wasting the lives of young Americans in a needless war, experience exercising “poor judgment” in the savings and loan scandal, and experience selling out his every stated conviction in an effort to suck up to the “crazy base-land” among bigots.  But the thing is, I want my president to not have first-hand experience with ethical lapses, dishonesty, and bigotry.  So I’m gonna go ahead and vote for Obama, who has legislative experience and has demonstrated that he actually possesses ethical standards.

(By the way—I do love how, when defending Palin, these rightwing blowhards all claim that being mayor and governor is “leadership experience” while serving in the Senate is “just talking.”  You’d think that their candidate had some type of executive experience Barack Obama doesn’t have, as opposed to being his colleague in the Senate.  This is the only area where they want to run on Palin’s record, it would seem).

Quicker wits than me called Obama being above 50% “the Palin bump”.

Personally, all I want is dibs on “A verb, a noun, and Alaska Governor = Energy expert!”.

Ditto for “A verb, a noun, and living near Russia = foreign policy experience”.

And if McCain tried to bring the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants to cover his back (Magneto, Mystique, Pyro, the Blob, and Karl Rove

Oh, come on now. I’ll give you Magneto, since all he needs are assurances that America has Israel’s back and will ignore his human rights violations in Genosha after he takes the place over and makes it a mutant homeland, but *Mystique* would never, ever work for McCain. No way, no how. Mystique kills politicians that she thinks might possibly *someday* do bad things to mutants; you think she’s gonna support McCain? You know that as soon as the fundies tell him that today he has to declare mutants the devil’s children, it doesn’t matter how mavericky he is, McCain will do that. And Mystique’s politically savvy enough to know it.

The only version of the BOEM that will support McCain is the one Magneto led when he was totally crazy. Replace Mystique with Mastermind and you can have your matchup with Blackazoid (who will totally kick their asses.)

-Alara, who actually thinks way too much about the political beliefs of mutant supervillains.

Alara,

I bow down to your superior wisdom even as I hang my head in shame at my own foolishness.

Still, Blackazoid could beat them all even without his energy sword and shape-changing powers.

You seem to think the only experience Palin has is as mayor, she’s the gov of a state.

She’s the governor of a state that could only barely edge out Fort Worth as the 17th largest city in the US, and has been so for less than two years. That’s not even remotely close to the level of experience that would qualify someone for the Presidency.