Get a defibrillator ... my teenage son has stopped breathing (because he’s laughing to hard ...)

The first time this came up, I could only get about 30 seconds through the video because it was so inane. Now that I know my time with it is limited, I watched the whole damn thing. In retrospect, I think this was a mistake, but I’ve learned many things from this video:

1) Having premarital sex is like stabbing a pubescent boy with a machete.

2) Premarital sex could have been a dream-stealer for me! Fortunately, my dream is to have a lot of premarital sex, so I think I loopholed my way out of that one.

3) That George Carlin joke about pro-life people being the ones you don’t want to fuck may have been a little tasteless…but I think Derek Dye just proved him correct.

What if my dream is to just burn tissues?  Can I fuck then?

Being an abstinence clown will so not get you laid.

Next they’re just going to show you pictures of your parents fucking in order to get you to stop.

Amanda, that would probably be much more effective!

“A family that hates you…”

Huh. You’d think Christian fundies would be a little less down on the consequences of unintended pregnancies, seeing as how their religion sort of started with one.

Over three quarters of a million dollars!!!!!!

And trust that our nation’s educational system leaves kids not understanding that slight risk =/= unacceptable risk.  That they take a bigger risk driving as teens than with the Pill.

More than three quarters of a million dollars.  I’d say hell yes Derek Dye’s dream came true.

Next they’re just going to show you pictures of your parents fucking in order to get you to stop.

I’ve seen them—not on anyone’s purpose, I hasten to add—and it never even came close to getting me to stop. Or not start. Maybe I’m just weird.

I think Zifnab has something there.  But let’s refine it: send Derek to Iraq to wander around the country being annoying, until he drives the insurgents to surrender.

Man, tyhis is almost enough to put me off the clown porn for life.  Almost.

So, premarital sex is like juggling machetes?  But it’s possible to juggle machetes, and everybody will think you’re really cool if you can do it.  You have to practice, of course, by juggling easier things - I suppose juggling torches is like oral sex and juggling baseballs is regular old third basin’.  Those soft juggling balls are masturbating, and what’s left?  Dry humping, I guess - any thoughts?

premarital sex is like juggling machetes?

No, premarital sex is like mowing the lawn with a spoon!  It’s like broccoli torte!  It’s like unstopping the toilet with a coathanger!  It’s like running a marathon in your pajamas! It’s like listing nonsequiturs on Pandagon!

My dream is to end up in a gutter with five kids and threadbare clothes!  I gotta get started on teh sex right now.

So….I don’t have to do my school work, get a job, find my place in the world, all I have to do is abstain from fucking?  And my dream will fall in my lap?  Why wasn’t I told this?

Remember to send the letter to your Congressperson telling them to end ab-only funding. Send out the clowns!

After viewing that, I will be sure to tell my children not to trust a man who tells them things after playing with his balls.

I wonder if the Flying Karamatzov Brothers will get a grant to promote swimming lessons.  Gallagher can fight heart disease with his amazing act.  And Carrot Top can ...I can’t figure out what to do with that guy.  Maybe he can sweep up after Gitmo closes.  Be sure to turn the lights out, Mr. Top.

Pandagon conservative, I don’t think that they really are down on unintended pregnancies.  You couldn’t get in the front door of a school saying that you hope the little fornicators pay for their sins, so instead you have to pretend it’s a health initiative that just so happens to raise the unintended pregnancy rate.  You have to pretend, in other words, the feature is a bug.

Derek is a weak-ass clown.

This is how clowns really promote abstinence. (nsfw and all that.)

If anybody wants to keep a copy for their personal entertainment:

http://cdn.stereogum.com/videos/abstinence_clown.flv

or http://rapidshare.com/files/193824475/derek_dye_abstinence_clown.flv.html

FLV videos can be played in VLC Media Player: http://www.videolan.org/vlc/

Incidently, because the performance took place under a civilian government contract, adn is not a scientific or technical work, a copyright claim would require express written permission of the government’s contracting officer.

http://www.cendi.gov/publications/04-8copyright.html#46

Permit me to doubt that this clown obtained that.

I can’t believe how lucky I am to have been raised by my mom. She actually told my sister and I that we should live with the person we intend to marry before we tied the knot so we’d be sure we weren’t getting hitched just to have sex. She was also very adamant about using protection. So, whenever I came home with a new girlfriend I got the “Use Condoms, Don’t Screw Up Your Life” lecture. I hated those talks, but now I admire the fact that she was aware she was raising two people into adults, not just keeping her kids innocent and ignorant in a big scary world.

And I love telling conservatives about all that. It freaks them out that there are people out there being up front and honest with their kids.

I think it’s terrible that these clowns want to stop others from seeing their video.  This kind of thing is exactly why we have freedom of the press in the first place, and I wish someone would just ignore his attempts to remove all the videos from the internet, even if it means risking legal penalties.  He is violating two of my rights by censoring his own video.  First, I have a right to know how tax money is being used, since I pay taxes.  Also, I have a right to know about what my (future) children are being taught in school.  If a teenager can see this clown act, then any parents or potential parents should be able to see it too.

rea: “Incidently, because the performance took place under a civilian government contract, adn is not a scientific or technical work, a copyright claim would require express written permission of the government’s contracting officer.”

Thank you, thank you!  This point had been bugging me ever since I first read about clown-guy convincing YouTube to pull his video.  I used to produce, and work with consultants who produced, original training products paid for with federal grant money, just like this joker (well, not *just* like this joker.  Our stuff was actually full of, ya know, scientifically accurate information).  We were pretty explicit with consultants that once they agreed to take taxpayer money for their efforts, their ability to control how we distributed that product was, basically, nil.

Federal funds enabled Dye to take his “Bachelor of Fun Arts” from Barnum Bailey Clown College…

Well, he did graduate at the top of his class: Magna Cum LADEEEE!

Republican President Bill Clinton’s damned broken Digital Millennium Copyright Act is the reason why this clown can have videos removed without demonstrating that he is actually the copyright holder.

There is a legal response, but it only applies to recovering damages. If the clown’s misrepresentation hasn’t resulted in damages, then as far as I know, there’s no way to punish him for abusing the law.

http://www.chillingeffects.org/dmca512/faq.cgi#QID858

Question: What rights do I have if someone knowingly demands removal of material to which they do not have the rights?

Answer: Under Section 512(f) of the Copyright Act one who knowingly materially misrepresents a claim of infringement is liable for any damages, including costs and attorneys’ fees, incurred by the alleged infringer or ISP injured by the misrepresentation, as the result of the service provider relying upon the misrepresentation in removing or disabling access to the material or activity claimed to be infringing.

If you are harmed by a mistaken takedown (as poster or as ISP), you may be able to recover damages and your legal fees from the person who made the wrongful claim.

So…since I’ve had premarital sex, all the success I’ve had in my chosen field is just a nice daydream that I’ll wake up from soon?

Clown Sex Ed Poll

It’s time to ressurect the Poll in my earlier Derek the Abstinence Clown diary:

POLL

Forget clowns, I’d rather have my pre-teens taught sex ed by:

Bonobos, the sex happy apes. 

Nuns: that’ll scare them sexless. 

Qualified health professionals, or at least, gym teachers who can roll a condom on a banana. 

The old-fashioned way: finding the dirty books and porno stashed in the back my closet. 

http://www.dailykos.com/story/2009/1/16/1496/48473/574/684902

Sure, because without the clown, this would just be silly….

I’m going to hazard a guess that remaining abstinent has been an easily accomplished feat for Mr. Dye.

So….I don’t have to do my school work, get a job, find my place in the world, all I have to do is abstain from fucking?  And my dream will fall in my lap?

Hey, it worked for Ben Shapiro.