But Amanda, think how fortunate the Miller’s biological child might have been if she was brought up by a nice, normal secular humanist (or even membes of a mainstream religion) instead of by fundies.

As for the other girl, we must hope her sane genes induced her to rebel and join the real world.

Truly The Lord moves in mysterious ways his woodwork to perform.

Out of curiosity—and since I will never watch this show—do you mind giving a capsule explanation of how this event affected the two women as adults when they found out about the switch?

because when she said something about it, her husband immediately dismissed her (probably in no small part out of habit)

BINGO!! gawd, I’ve seen so many men not even HEAR what their partners have said and just blowing them off.

What a bizarre story - if the husband was such a fundamentalist, I wonder how he dealt with the fact that he was raising someone else’s child? Would he have cared more if it were sons?

Capsule summary:

McDonald (mainstream)-by-birth / Miller (evangelical)-by-raising daughter:
Unlike the rest of the Miller children. Added fun and humor to family while everyone else was serious. Popular in school. Was told by Miller mother that “there wasn’t much expected of her” as far as academics, because Miller mother knew daughter was not a Miller by birth. Is still religious.

On finding out, became closer to Miller father and distanced from Miller mother because Miller mother was not tactful. Became very close with McDonald brother.

Miller (mainstream)-by-birth / McDonald (evangelical)-by-raising daughter:
More serious and studious than the rest of the McDonalds. Tried to be a cheerleader but just wasn’t able to do it. Still religious.

Felt up-staged by more gregarious counterpart. Unsure where family ties lie.

Darn, second section should begin:
Miller (evangelical)-by-birth / McDonald (mainstream)-by-raising daughter:

PhysioProf ,

As I recall in listening to the story last weekend, the daughter raised by the Fundamentalist family was far more pretty and popular than the rest of their dark-haired and “brooding” daughters.

Marty was light-hearted and athletic, but her Fundie parents did not support her interests in sports and cheer-leading. Later, when it was conveyed to her that she had been switched at birth, her Fundamentalist mother (who had raised her and hid this secret all her life) said to her, “Well, I never expected much from you, so that’s why we didn’t push you to excel at school.” It was very hurtful for Marty because her Fundamentalist family took an immediate interest in the other daughter: their “real” sister/daughter, finding it very easy to bond with her since she shared their appearance and, weirdly enough, their Fundamentalist beliefs.

The other daughter, who was given to a smaller and more secular family, initially feared that they would hate her when they learned the news. (The “real” mother told her “real” daughter first, and let her tell everyone else). But it so happened that her adopted parents wanted to maintain a connection with her, and so did the Fundies want to establish one. The only person who really was glad to be rid of her was her adopted brother, who always found her sort of excessively studious and dour. The brother immediately connected with his sister, who was more like him and who reminded him immediately of his mother and aunts.

The weird thing about the show was that the Fundamentalist mother admitted that part of the reason why she kept the strange baby—beyond the fact that her husband was a doofus—is because she was blonde and pretty and not like any of her other children. So she basically stole a child who was prettier, even though Fundies say they don’t care about the outside world. What a cow.

I’m fascinated that the husband, once confronted by the wife, refuses to embarass the doctor who switched the babies. 

In my working-class father and grandfather’s generations there was definitely a fear of professionals.  It prevented them from seeking a second opinion in the doctor’s office, accountant’s office or from their elected officials, all the while disliking these men in superior roles but quite happy to shake their hand when they passed or clip their pictures out of the newspaper and tape them above the coffee maker.  The women in my family, when out of earshot of the men, were often sensible enough to question the viability of this authority structure but were rarely free to alter actions or patronage.

**
I wonder if the father would have been as happy to raise the neighbor’s son as he was the neighbor’s daughter?

Yeah, what Cat Ion said!

You can listen to the full episode here.

But Amanda, think how fortunate the Miller’s biological child might have been if she was brought up by a nice, normal secular humanist (or even membes of a mainstream religion) instead of by fundies.

As for the other girl, we must hope her sane genes induced her to rebel and join the real world.

this is basically just an asscrack thing to say.

I’m fascinated that the husband, once confronted by the wife, refuses to embarass the doctor who switched the babies. 
It was slightly more complicated - the doctor gave their whole family (6 kids!) free health care out of gratitude to the pastor.  They were not very well off and had no insurance, so to “embarrass” him would be to risk losing a very important free service.

because she was blonde and pretty and not like any of her other children.

This didn’t match my recollection of the story, so I went back, and she said, “She was really a live wire.  She always had jokes.  She had jokes every day, and she’d keep us laughing, and you know it was - it was good for us to laugh, really good for us to have around.  I mean, my kids are awful serious about their life, you know?  They’re more like I am. . . . She brought happiness.” 

Earlier in the story, there was a point where she recalls he husband saying that the baby was cute, and that they’d keep it, but I got the impression that that was more of his condescension.

“my kids are awful serious about their life, you know?  They’re more like I am. . . . She brought happiness.”

In other words, the adopted daughter was the free entertainment for the cheapskate Fundies.

The truth is uncomfortable, and really I think if it wasn’t so bald and if Mary Miller hadn’t been so insistent on it, the producers maybe would have downplayed it more ...

I doubt it—This American Life is pretty much all about finding the most uncomfortable and revealing part of the story, so they were probably attracted to it because the one mother knew all along, not in spite of it.  Even their more comic stories (like my favorite, the guy who sinks all of his money into stock from “Fountain Fresh”) are pretty disturbing.

In other words, the adopted daughter was the free entertainment for the cheapskate Fundies.

That’s not how I understood her statement.

I was ready to hate Mary Miller based on what I heard up to that point, but after I heard her interview, I didn’t.  She clearly hurt her adopted daughter, but it was because of her social ineptitude, not because she loved her any less than her other children.

Well, I think she did a very selfish thing. And what’s worse is that what you call her “social ineptitude” comes across to me as her low expectations for someone whom she clearly felt was not her biological daughter.

If you adopt a child, I imagine that most decent parents would set their sights high for that child. It’s pretty standard knowledge from an educational standpoint that those who set high goals for themselves are more likely to excel (or at least die trying) than those who set low goals or no goals.

And for a mother to reinforce to her adult daughter that she never really expected much from her because she was not of the same genetic material is not only inept but also cruel. What interests me, though, is that despite the advantages offered by living in a small secular family, the Fundie daughter still grew up to be a tactless pro-life/anti-choice asshat. She met her biological family for the first time and announced that her other mother had not provided her with enough breast milk.

What sort of a fiend walks around talking about breast milk with strangers? I guess this family story scores a point for that nature vs. nurture team.

What sort of a fiend walks around talking about breast milk with strangers?

Well, what sort of fiend more or less abandons the woman he knew as his sister his entire life for a popular stranger?  Clearly, the supposed advantages of a small, secular - or, more likely, merely less fundamentalist, since Mr. Miller was at one point a pastor at the McDonald church, and the Miller and McDonald churches ultimately joined - family were lost on him, too. 

That said, it’s difficult for me to judge those involved.  It was hard for me to see Ms. Miller as selfish.  She was in a terrible position due to her family’s poverty and her husband’s idiocy.  It seemed to me that she did her best.

More to the point, when she brought it up to her husband, he immediately decided that it had to stay a secret because revealing it would embarrass the doctor.

This is one of the things that shocks me the most about “back in the day” family stuff.  The secrets.  The big huge life-altering secrets which were often kept for reasons that seem extremely paltry to me (though I agree that if the family were obliged to the doctor because he’d provided free medical care, that’s a little different, but STILL).  Does this stuff still happen?  Where you keep some huge earth-shattering a secret pretty much forever, because speaking up isn’t the polite thing to do?

interesting stuff, must be tough to think of both of your parents as being “yours” and neither turn out to be, much more common for it to be just one.

I’m fascinated that the husband, once confronted by the wife, refuses to embarrass the doctor who switched the babies.

The show does address this, and it adds another distrurbing layer.

The Millers couldn’t afford the medical costs of so many kids and depended on the Doctor being lenient with charges. After the birth Mrs. Miller hemorrhaged and nearly died, running up more medical bills. So the Millers had a reason to avoid conflict with the Doctor - though I think it’s clear Mr. Miller used this excuse to push his wife around.

The Millers kept having kids with no regard for the financial or physical costs until Mrs. Miller nearly died from the strain. The religious imperative to precedence over rational concerns.

Mr. Miller ends up as the bad guy, backed up by all sorts of religious and economic forces which fed his ignorance. Mrs. MacDonald relates the strength of his far too late regrets and apologies - he hid his guilt behind God but still acted like he knew it was his fault.

The one hopeful note: Mrs. MacDonald consulted her minister about Mr. Miller’s claims it was God’s Will and was reassured it was a human decision. Not all Churches are willing to give a free pass to bad behavior in the name of faith.

If you look at the photo from Life magazine which accompanies the story, Mrs. Miller seems to look older than her husband and in the interviews she sounds decades more frail than the other mother. The cost of traditional family values is painfully present without any need for discussion.

On a side note: there’s no explanation of why the Miller’s had a photo in Life magazine. It’s rare that I find such a low key hour long documentary isn’t long enough, but this was one of them.

Not for nothing, but there is a reason why condoms are inexpensive.

I very much sympathized with the brother who ditched his brooding fundamentalist sister for the popular “stranger” who instantly reminded him of his mother and other female relatives. Some levels of love are very biological. Birds of a feather flock together, and all that stuff. We recognize resemblance and often fall for that which resembles us.

Had the other family not switched his sister at birth, he would have had a lifetime to grow up with the sister who had become estranged to him. And since he had nothing in common with the other sister, I am not surprised that he grew to resent her. I would resent that whole obnoxious family. I really hated them on the program. Later, I googled the Fundamentalist sister (the one whose biological parents had performed the switch) and found her name on a pro-life petition list. I hate her more now.

So I’m a terrible person, but again it goes back to my feelings about the redistribution of property and other things. Don’t take what isn’t fucking yours, including daughters. If you’re poor, then use a condom jackass!

I very much sympathized with the brother who ditched his brooding fundamentalist sister for the popular “stranger” who instantly reminded him of his mother and other female relatives. Some levels of love are very biological. Birds of a feather flock together, and all that stuff. We recognize resemblance and often fall for that which resembles us.

May no adopted children ever find their way into your life.  Seriously?  That’s fucked up.  Nobody in my immediate family is adopted, but one of my first cousins is—interracially adopted, as well.  Definitely doesn’t look like anyone else in the family, and there’s no reason to think that he’ll necessarily share those little family dispositional traits people swear must be genetic.  But if I ever heard his brother say that he resented him because he didn’t look like our other relatives or have much in common with the rest of our family, I would smack that kid into the next week.

Shit, for that matter may nobody without the traditional nuclear family arrangement come into your life—I manage to avoid clashing with my step-family, even though we’re not biologically related, don’t look alike at all, and have little in common.  Shit, I even refer to my stepsister’s little girl as my niece, rather than, like, whatever people who don’t consider their stepsister’s kids to be “real” family would call them.

And since he had nothing in common with the other sister, I am not surprised that he grew to resent her.

Funny, I have little in common with a lot of people in my (biological) family.  But somehow (maybe I’m just a really great person with the most generous soul ever?), I manage not to resent them too terribly for it.  I’m still able to bond with my brother the fratboy, and I still love him to death even though we see eye to eye on basically nothing and I think his behavior is pretty douchey.  Because he’s my brother.  And finding out that through some fluke we weren’t biologically related wouldn’t change that.

Let me rephrase my sentiment: I am not surprised at how the brother ultimately reacted to the news that his “real” sister had been switched at birth, replaced by a sister with whom he felt he had very little in common. The brother seemed confused, a bit angry, and justifiably eager to meet his biological sister. Before they actually met, they spent hours talking on thje phone and getting to know each other. He recognized her voice as his own mother’s voice, and said it felt like it could have been his aunt or his sister talking.

The other sister had always been someone to whom he could not relate. He was happy-go-lucky whereas she was very serious and studious. They literally had very little in common (as many brothers and sister might claim they do). But in this case, it was true: they had no common past-times or interests.

When he found out that she was not his relation, and that he actually had a biological sister out there in the world, he understandably wanted to know all about her. In the same way, the Fundamentalist family wanted to know all about their long-lost daughter and they welcomed her with open arms and lots of love, whereas they sort of made the adopted sister feel like an outsider. She said during the program that she is not sure if the sisters of her youth talk on their own to the other daughter, without including her. She seemed sort of pained by the idea that they call each other and don’t call her.

All in all, I suppose it is silly to judge this family trauma, since there are so many even more messy situations and since none of them concern me. But it still makes me angry that someome would arbitrarily decide that their own situation was more important than straightening something like this out. Get a new DOCTOR, dip-stick! Come on, how stupid can someone be?

Re: “back in the day secrets…”  I agree.  It seems like an awful lot of really horrible stuff never saw the light of day (read: incest, sexual abuse, etc.)  Makes you wonder how many 60+ year old women are still living their lives with their burdens bundled tightly to their backs.  As much as I deride after-school-specials and Lifetime movies, I am so F#(*$ing glad we at least talk about these things now and that we’re past the “being embarrassed” by things that are not our fault!

Wow. That was really interesting, but what I can’t believe no one’s talking about is that one of the older Miller sisters barricaded the door every night with every piece of furniture she could move, to the point where the other girls had to crawl through a heating duct under the bed to use the bathroom. Combine that with the fact that one of the other older sisters, Ruth, went out of her way to write a letter to her MacDonald sister saying she thought Sue had lucked out… is anyone else wondering about child abuse? I’m predisposed not to put anything past the Miller patriarch given his religious views and treatment of his wife, so perhaps I’m jumping to conclusions, but when kids feel the need to barricade themselves in their bedrooms, I worry.

“is anyone else wondering about child abuse?”

Wouldn’t be surprised if it came out.

Child abuse rates physical as well as sexual tend to be pretty high among such Christian religious families.

Most serial killers tend to come from such families.

Ted Bundy came from a family with such secret keeping. He was raised by his grandparents who presented themselves as his mother and father not only to him but everybody else. His mother he was raised to believe was his older sister. Some family members think Ted Bundy’s maternal grandfather a Church Deacon was also his biological father.

If you’re poor, then use a condom jackass!

That’s a little too flip for this situation. If your religion and/or your husband forbids the use of condoms, they may as well not exist. These are the “keep having kids, God will provide” types.

Yes, so maybe God could have covered the family’s medical bills, thus preventing the idiot father from using those bills as an excuse not to tell the doctor that he’d made a mistake? People like this just make me want to puke. I hope at least those daughters learned a lesson about birth control from the family environment in which they grew up.

It always amazes me how these switches happen. When we had our son (well my wife mostly;) ) he was never away from our sight for the two days we were at the hospital.

If he had been, I fastened a medical bracelet on his arm as soon as the computer had assigned him his social security number, about 30 minutes after delivery, when we were still in the birthing room, my wife being sewn up.

I guess procedures have change quite a bit in the 50 odd years since, or else the procedures are just quite different between the US and Denmark.