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Next entry: America: Let Us Be Known For Our Teeny Ding-Dongs Previous entry: The Delicate, Impregnating Flower That Is Man

I’m Not Saying Obama Is A Fascist

imageI’m just saying he’s a very Nationalized Socialist.

Take his decision to deliver his acceptance speech at Invesco Field at Mile High in Denver. It seems that the venue for the rest of the Democratic convention - the Pepsi Center (occupancy 21,000) - is just too small.

Obama says he wants to give the common folk more “access” to the process. Only a man with an Olympian’s sense of entitlement to mass worship could describe such a choreographed descent upon a place called “Mile High” as an effort to bond with the common man. A demigod, it seems, is never so tall as when he stoops to bask in the adoration of the little people.

Barack Obama, a man whose powers of time travel have already been seen a few times during this campaign (such as when he went back in time and manufactured his own birth certificate), once again shows the secrets of the universe unlocked by his fascist tinkering with the edges of perception and reality.  He apparently engineered not only the placement of the Democratic Convention a full month before he declared his candidacy (easy enough, given that he probably did the latter once the former was ensured), but also engineered the very placement and nicknaming of the city of Denver.

You see, Barack Obama not only systematically placed gold along a great portion of the Western half of the United States in the early 19th century - easy enough for a man of his intellect - but he got James Denver elected governor of the Kansas territory and ensured that General William Larrimer would stumble upon the elevated land and stake a claim to Denver City in order to gain favor with the good Governor.  What’s the telltale sign? 

Barack Obama’s family has roots in Kansas.  Only a man with such ego would leave such a telltale sign - luckily, though, he went from Hawaii to New York, staying away from the scene of the crime as an opportunity opened up to take a seat in Columbia’s undergrad class.  From a white dude.

 

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Posted by Jesse Taylor on 02:56 PM • (28) Comments

Only a man with an Olympian’s sense of entitlement to mass worship could describe such a choreographed descent upon a place called “Mile High” as an effort to bond with the common man.

However, the Denver Broncos football team fully agree that the only reason they named the stadium that was to enshrine themselves as Gods… 

*headdesk*

(One thing I will say, though, is that I’m not sure it does the Obama campaign much of a service to emphasize his Kansas roots, which, as far as I’m aware really only extend to the fact that his grandparents are originally from there.  His mom grew up in Texas and the family was fully ensconced in Hawaii by the time Barack came along.  I know the campaign needs to paint Barack as a legitimate American with heartland roots, but by being somewhat disingenuous about where he grew up, they just invite the sort of paranoia that results in frenzied demands for copies of his birth certificate and outrageous claims about the Indonesian “madrassa” he did a stint at in grammar school.)

Comment #1: The Opoponax  on  07/13  at  03:03 PM

It’s a fairly coherent theory, but it doesn’t explain his hunger for the flesh of white, Christian babies - does he do it because it fuels his ability to time travel, or just because it’s good eats?

Comment #2: Dweeze  on  07/13  at  03:18 PM

“It’s a fairly coherent theory, but it doesn’t explain his hunger for the flesh of white, Christian babies - does he do it because it fuels his ability to time travel, or just because it’s good eats?”

Ah Dweeze, how sadly you mistake Obama’s intentions.  It isn’t the flesh of white Christian babies he’s after but their blood——-not because he’s anxious to drink it himself (as is the habit of creatures of quite another complexion) but because he wants to come up with an alternative fuel with which to run his DeLorean.  (As you might predict, the price of gas is destined to rise even higher in the future.)

Comment #3: bekabot  on  07/13  at  03:44 PM

“It’s a fairly coherent theory, but it doesn’t explain his hunger for the flesh of white, Christian babies - does he do it because it fuels his ability to time travel, or just because it’s good eats?”

Barack Obama has never gone on record saying he’s not babyeater.

Maybe that’s because he was too busy *eating babies*

Comment #4: blucas!  on  07/13  at  03:55 PM

The stadium stunt is actually borrowed from the Maharishi. If he can get twice the square root of the population of the US to listen to his speech in person, we will all be transformed into zombies doing his bidding. And invulnerable.

And it’s his great-great-grandson who’s the time traveler. I thought everyone knew that.

Comment #5: paul  on  07/13  at  04:22 PM

“luckily, though, he went from Hawaii to New York, staying away from the scene of the crime as an opportunity opened up to take a seat in Columbia’s undergrad class.  From a white dude.”

The more he tries to separate himself from these obvious manipulations of the <strike>Volk</strike>, um sorry, People, the guiltier he must be!  In fact, if it looked like he had absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with it, he might as well sign a confession.

And what about the kerning?  Has anybody looked into the kerning to see if there’s proof of obvious tampering?  Well have you?  And what does the Malkin/Limbaugh/Goldberg Axis of Truth say?...

“Barack Obama has never gone on record saying he’s not babyeater.”

Is it wrong to speculate?  It would be wrong NOT to…

Comment #6: MikeEss  on  07/13  at  04:22 PM

The stadium wails are pure political penis envy. McCain would have trouble filling all the stalls in an airport lavatory, no matter how wide a stance he took.

Comment #7: sunsin  on  07/13  at  04:28 PM

Jesse, I think you’re giving doughbob much too mcuh credit.  Isn’t this entire column just a way to say “uppity” in a bunch of words?

And an aside to The Opoponax, birthplaces for any person much less a presidential candidate are pretty relative.  Where the chimperor from?  Texas?  You would think but his unparsing birth certificate says New Haven Connecticut.  Hell, I was born in LA but only lived there till I was three and then lived there on and off for a few years as an adult.  If people ask me where I’m from I usually tell them “California”.  If pressed maybe I say San Diego since that’s where I spent the most time or maybe San Francisco because of all the places I’ve lived in Cali, SF was the best.

All of which goes to say, birthplaces mean shit.

It cracks me people pay senor loadpants for this “writings”.  Talk about throwing away your money.

Comment #8: ice weasel  on  07/13  at  04:40 PM

because he wants to come up with an alternative fuel with which to run his DeLorean.  (As you might predict, the price of gas is destined to rise even higher in the future.)

Can’t he fuel up in the past?

Comment #9: pepito  on  07/13  at  04:40 PM

If you wait until they’re babies, you’ve waited too long.  You need fresh fetus…preferably in a vindaloo sauce.

Comment #10: MAJeff, the God of Biscuits  on  07/13  at  05:01 PM

Ice Weasel, I fully agree.

Except that Obama wasn’t born in Kansas, has never lived in Kansas, and has no personal connection to Kansas whatsoever.  He has, however, lived in Hawaii, New York, Massachusetts, and of course Illinois, which is as much of a “heartland state” as any.

I have a grandmother who grew up in Jacksonville, Florida.  She moved to Louisiana in time for my mother to be born there (I was also born in Louisiana and lived there till I was 18).  When I was about 4 we went to Jacksonville to visit some of the extended family who still lived there at the time, but that’s really my only connection to the place.

If I were running for President, I might have a claim on Louisiana (where I was born and grew up), or on New York, where I’ve lived all of my adult life, or maybe even Massachusetts, where I lived during my ill-fated freshman year of college.  But if I tried to claim that I was really from Florida, I’d have my ass handed to me.

Mmmm, Jeff, Fetus Vindaloo?  You know, I’ve been doing my abortions in a molé sauce lately, but I’m starting to get a little bored with it…  Recipe?

Comment #11: The Opoponax  on  07/13  at  05:23 PM

My parents moved around California quite a bit, but I identify my hometown as Lodi, not Sun Harbor—in short, by my school district, not my birthplace.

Irrelevency aside, I’m quite pleased that we may have a Time Lord as our next president. Maybe we can never have invaded Iraq?

Comment #12: Samantha Vimes  on  07/13  at  05:26 PM

Samantha, you’re scaring me.  I too sort of see Lodi as my “home town”, as much of one as I have…

Comment #13: MikeEss  on  07/13  at  05:28 PM

“Can’t he fuel up in the past?”

Not really, because conservatives have declared that they have exclusive rights to the past.  The jury’s still out as to whether they have ‘em or not, but as long as the case remains undecided, Obama’s gotta go back…to the future.

grin

Comment #14: bekabot  on  07/13  at  06:09 PM

Clearly Obama emphasizes his Kansas roots, and his painful separation from the world of his alien father, in order to cultivate an association with Superman.

Comment #15: FlipYrWhig  on  07/13  at  06:12 PM

I take it that the shortbus kids covered adverbs today…

Comment #16: Indy  on  07/13  at  06:43 PM

Yeah, that particular troll appears under several different names, often accusing Amanda of appearing under several different names. It’s weird. Bannination ensues, but it seems to find ways to beat it on occasion.

Comment #17: Auguste  on  07/13  at  06:45 PM

Recipe?

Get Penzeys vindaloo seasoning. I then use it as a rub. (you could also mix it with some vinegar and tomato paste and marinade the buggers.) Move ‘em to the grill, and serve with some spiced basmati rice.  Some Gewurtztreminer and naan along with it?  That’s some good fetus.

Comment #18: MAJeff, the God of Biscuits  on  07/13  at  07:07 PM

“That’s some good fetus.”

De-bone first?  Or crunch the whole thing down?...

I wonder if there’s any local markets on the West Coast that carry fresh fetus…?

Comment #19: MikeEss  on  07/13  at  07:11 PM

I can’t wait till No Quarter takes this seriously.

Comment #20: Radon Chong  on  07/13  at  07:13 PM

“Clearly Obama emphasizes his Kansas roots, and his painful separation from the world of his alien father, in order to cultivate an association with Superman.”

The brother from another planet…

Comment #21: bekabot  on  07/13  at  07:18 PM

De-bone first?  Or crunch the whole thing down?…

depends how many weeks. If you get ‘em really young, they’re almost like soft-shell crabs.

Comment #22: MAJeff, the God of Biscuits  on  07/13  at  07:20 PM

Prediction: Jonah’s next “clever” headline using “Obama” will be “Let go my egg-Obama.”

Comment #23: Roxanne  on  07/13  at  07:48 PM

I for one welcome our new dark overlord!

Comment #24: Sirkowski  on  07/13  at  07:54 PM

Wherever did you get that still from the Time Machine, or Time Tunnel, or whatever that thing was called? All I remember about that show was it had the cheeziest special effects this side of “Star Trek.”

Comment #25: Bitter Scribe  on  07/13  at  10:05 PM

If you get ‘em really young, they’re almost like soft-shell crabs

Yeah, I have to say you really want to go with a nice first trimester.  Of course, they tend to be small, but then the nice thing about being a post-Second Wave feminist is that the demand is down, which means you can usually afford enough to make up for the size.

On the other hand, if you’re going to do any kind of a stuffing you really want something a bit later term…

(OK this is getting to be too much, even for me.)

Comment #26: The Opoponax  on  07/13  at  10:06 PM

Penzey’s! Ah, I miss being within walking distance of their Madison store. (Yeah, you were taking your life into your own hands, but you could do it.)

Back on topic: I don’t think you should limit yourself to vindaloo, they had a whole section of infant- and fetus-spicing options.

Comment #27: befuggled  on  07/14  at  08:43 AM

Wow, I was a guest at MileHighCon in Denver a few years back.  I didn’t realize this made me a Nazi.

I like how pissed off Republicans are that the Democratic candidate has the gall to be popular and well-liked.  It makes me feel all fuzzy inside.

Comment #28: Shaenon  on  07/15  at  04:39 AM
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