I sat and watched this video with my jaw open in astonishment. It’s so unnerving. I’m covering one aspect of it for next week’s podcast—-mainly going over the problem of having three men discuss women’s rights as if women were not involved at all—-but I want to blog some more about this, because it pissed me off so much. Ken Blackwell has nothing at all to add to this, of course. He just screams about how he and his are going to pray away female sexuality, and it’s just a matter of time. It’s mildly useful that Blackwell openly admits and downright brags about how he and his are basically against women having sex and that the only form of birth control they’ll tolerate is the pill you hold between your knees. But mostly he shuts down any discussion. Matthews going out of his way to “respect” Blackwell’s seething misogyny made this feminist despair of ever getting anywhere in the mainstream media.
Blackwell’s argument against the existence of non-procreative sexual intercourse is actually kind of funny, though. He comes right out and says we should abstain as a way to differentiate ourselves from other animals. In my experience, however, wearing clothes, speaking, and walking upright tend to be enough to signal to other humans that I am not a lemur or a newt.
Not that Matthews or Saletan says anything illuminating. Frances Kissling is defending Saletan today on RH Reality Check,, and while I think her point about approaching women where they’re at on a moral level in the clinic is well-considered, I have major, major issues with what Saletan is saying here. She references meetings he’s had with abortion counselors who, understandably, shy away from giving women condescending lectures about their moral obligation to use condoms from here on out. Saletan’s big on the value of moralizing and lecturing women, and he thinks this will create common ground with conservatives, who feel like women who have sex should be punished somehow. Mandatory childbirth is ideal, but perhaps a condescending, boring lecture that you’ll tune out while wishing you could just go home now and take some aspirin will do? What if we throw in law forbidding women to take painkillers, so they have to feel bad about being slutty slut sluts?
Saletan does mean well when he talks about contraception, I think, but he just can’t release the hope that the misogynist punishment regime would be satisfied with halfway punishments. Saletan’s instigating factoid is that the small minority of sexually active straight women who don’t use any form of contraception account for half of abortions (and women who use it sporadically probably almost all of the other half), and with this he and Chris Matthews basically come right out and say that the only reasons could be that such women are stupid and irresponsible. As I say in the comments of Frances’ post, though, that such women get abortions shows that they are not the irresponsible “couldn’t be bothered” hussies that they’re made out to be by these three men—-getting an abortion is taking responsibility. Truly irresponsible women of the sort they’re imagining are the ones who can’t get it together to get the abortion and end up being in someone’s child protective services case file.
It’s a small minority of women who don’t use or barely use contraception that get most abortions, yes. If we could get them to use contraception, that would significantly reduce the abortion rate, which pleases fence sitters and helps expose that “pro-lifers” are not really interested in reducing the abortion rate per se, but are mostly interested in using female fecundity as a way to oppress and punish women. Abortion reduction is also a worthy goal because abortions suck—-they are painful, expensive, you can’t have sex for two weeks, and often you go into a crisis mode where you have reanalyze your relationship, etc. Also, dating is hard afterwards, because a lot of dudes are technically pro-choice, but still so attached to the idea of Sperm Magic that abortion makes them uneasy, and they wish that women were all upset at their rejection of the masculine life force for reasons of convenience. But I think that moralizing lectures about responsibility is a go-nowhere proposition that’s main appeal is that it seems to punish women for their sexual choices that harm no one else.
A couple of weeks ago, I saw Heather Corinna lecture about her very successful model of sex education, and the one thing that jumped out at me is that good sex education is mostly about letting the student lead the process. Which is to say, the student defines her needs, and the educator seeks to fill them. (It’s the Montessori method.) It’s a lot more effective because students have more understanding of both what they don’t know and what they want to know and therefore will listen to. That’s why Scarleteen is built off questions sent in by teenagers, and not an adult’s idea of what you need to know. It’s proof positive that the method works, because that’s the best sex education website out there for teenagers, bar none.
Taking Heather’s principles into consideration, I have to say that Saletan has this ass backwards. If we want women who aren’t using contraception to get better at it, instead of delivering moral lectures about responsibility, we need to ask them why they aren’t using contraception and listen to their answers. If we know why, then we’ll have a better idea of how to change the problem. It’s a question that doesn’t get asked much in the U.S., and I suspect it’s in part because we don’t want to hear the answers. Saletan denies that it’s an access issue because there’s so many condoms, but the Guttmacher (where he gets his numbers) disagrees in part, demonstrating that inconsistent birth control is linked to poverty and continuous access issues. I have an interview up this week with Rachel Gold of Guttmacher about how women who should get assistance with contraception are falling through the cracks. But honestly, stories I’ve heard from abortion counselors and clinic workers inclines me to believe that a major reason a lot of women don’t use contraception is that they don’t feel empowered to do so.
It shouldn’t be surprising. Our culture sends a very mixed message about sex with men to women, and the only consistent thread is that women don’t deserve shit. We’re considered naughty and soiled if we do have sex, but prudish and withholding if we don’t. Plus, sex is necessary to keep a man, and having a man is mandatory, because there’s something wrong with a single woman. For many women, economic dependence on men adds to their problems. Because men hear the same messages, many of them both feel entitled to sex, but also look down on women who have sex with them. This isn’t experienced by such men as inconsistent, because it just shows to them that sex is one of the many ways that their superiority is reinforced. Indeed, I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that a lot of women hear from their own partners both messages about how you have to do it, but you’re a slut if you do.
It’s well understood that people who feel like they’re damned if they do and damned if they don’t tend to slide into very passive behavior, and for many women how are just getting it from all sides, working up the will to take contraception may seem nearly impossible, and only an event like an unintended pregnancy will spur them to action. If you rely on condoms as your main form of birth control, that means using contraception is about negotiating with someone who has more power than you every time you do it, and for men who don’t understand how hard this can be for some women, imagine if you had to criticize your boss every time you saw him. It would be easier just to let it slide a lot of the time, wouldn’t it? Not every woman is lucky enough to have a sex partner who grabs the condom without question. It’s been my experience that even men you’d never suspect will avoid the subject until you bring it up, and even then, some whine about it. You have to have a lot of moxie to push back against this all the time, and I’ve been fortunate to get the sort of social support required to have it, but not every woman has that privilege. If the condom rejector is someone you’re in a long-term relationship with, then it can be treated, in my opinion, as a form of emotional abuse and should be understood within that model, with all the understanding we have for how hard it is for women to separate themselves from abusers.
But we won’t be able to get this level of understanding to tackle the issue by lecturing and berating women. Assuming, as Saletan does, that multiple abortions is evidence of irresponsibility is in and of itself irresponsible. We need to know more about the reasons, and maybe if we find out, as I suspect, that multiple abortions are often due to domestic violence, poverty, or mental health issues, we can respond in ways that are more effective and compassionate.
------
Registration is now required! We're still in the process of getting it all squared away, so for the moment don't forget to Login or Register using the links in the upper left menu before starting to write your comment.
He comes right out and says we should abstain as a way to differentiate ourselves from other animals.
I can’t think of a better example of starting at a conclusion and then coming up with a rationalization to justify it. You know what else sets us apart from animals? Medicine like birth control! Technology like condoms! Abortion sets us apart, too; we could just eat our babies to control our population, like animals do.
the idea of Sperm Magic
After hearing this phrase, my boyfriend feels there should be a product on the market called SpermWow. “It’ll make you say wow, every time!” “You’re gonna love my sperm!”