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National Coming Out Day 2008

• Family Values • General Election • LGBT

October 11 is National Coming Out Day.

We may be winning the culture war one day at a time (see the marriage equality ruling in Connecticut on Friday), but not everyone has the option of coming out of the closet in this country—
* Without ENDA, LGBT citizens can be fired from a job where there are no local anti-discrimination protections.
* We most certainly see members of the community get the crap beaten out of them—or worse—in many parts of the country, even Blue states.
* and it goes without saying if you have anti-gay parents and you're not yet 18 (or are dependent on them for support), coming out is probably a really bad idea unless you are prepared for the consequences of them taking the news badly.

That said, coming out is the most powerful thing one can do, but it cannot be done in isolation; straight allies have to be willing to publicly defend their gay friends and acquaintances.

* Support Equality organizations in your state, particularly if it is at risk for an amendment challenge as we see this time around in CA, AZ and FL. Give your time and money, if you can spare. In North Carolina, the organization at the grassroots level is Equality NC.

* Get involved. It's easy to write a check or complain from the sidelines and the comfort of our keyboards about the effectiveness of those working locally and nationally on our behalf; it's another to come out, live out and work to make a difference—whether it's writing your representatives, grassroots activism, or making an effort to engage with your friends, neighbors and colleagues about equality issues.

* If you are straight and an ally, COME OUT. Support your gay friends and loved ones when you hear intolerant conversation, politely engage ignorance with information.

Each Coming Out Day I ask this Q of the Day:

Are you out to…
—your friends?
—your immediate family?
—your extended family?
—any/some/most of your colleagues at work?
—your boss?
—your doctors?
—your neighbors?

I'm happy to say that I can check off all of those today, but it took years of constantly coming out, choosing when “the right time” would be to come out to any of the above groups. It's a seemingly endless process, never easy, almost always awkward (since I'm an introvert to begin with). It's not like something that comes up in casual conversation, nor do you really want it to. But eventually kicking the door open beats life in the closet.

For my straight readers:
—are you “out” as an ally?
—are you able to talk about gay friends or relatives with others?
—are you comfortable shooting down homophobes when they spout off during a conversation? PFLAG’s Straight for Equality produces a wonderful and entertaining education resource, “Guide To Being a Straight Ally” and it can be downloaded here. Take The Straight for Equality Pledge to support and be an advocate for LGBT civil equality. More below the fold, including videos.

Here's a short video about my story -

I came out in my late 20s. When I came out to my mother, it was fairly anticlimactic. She wasn't particularly angry but, of course, sad because of all of visions of what a daughter should be were sort of shattered. But I don't think she was entirely surprised, nor was my brother when I came out to him. He has always been supportive.
One thing I do regret is that my mom passed away before she could see me marry my wife, Kate, when we married in Vancouver. But all of my family has been extremely supportive. In fact, they probably knew, but it never was made explicit until I sent my announcement that we married to everyone via e-mail and in a card in the mail. So if people didn't know, that was one way to come out all at once.
The one thing everyone can do is come out if it is at all possible, if it is safe for you to do so. And that's a big caveat, but I think that for many people coming out is more of an internal process than it is the external process. Many people, once they do come out, find that most people either knew or thought that they were [gay] and had made peace with that. So I hope you take this time to think about whether it's time to kick open that closet door.

HRC’s 2008 National Coming Out Day video:

Clay Aiken’s GMA interview

This is worth viewing on this day. It took me some time finally get around to seeing this interview with Diane Sawyer. It’s a really touching piece on Clay Aiken and his coming out process. He says that he really came out to himself in 2003 when he was on American Idol, and that the first person he told was fellow Idol contestant Kimberley Locke. He also discusses how he came out to his family.

All I can say is it’s clear that he is a much more relaxed and confident out gay man than the tentative, evasive Clay Aiken we saw on Larry King Live avoiding the question of his orientation a while back. Good for him for opening the closet door, and good for him for doing it for his son.

***

On the amendment front in 2008, fight back - defeating these ballot initiatives is absolutely not a given, it can go either way:

California: No On Prop 8
Arizona: Vote No On Prop 102
Florida: Say No 2 Campaign

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Posted by Pam Spaulding on 09:11 AM • (20) Comments

How about this—I just received this great email from Jim Toevs, who plans to do something pretty unique this National Coming Out Day:

I am an old (67) white guy, I drive a pickup truck, I believe in God, own a couple of guns, and I AM Gay, so if we are talking about God, Guns and Gays, I think I qualify.

Here’s his contribution—

Coming Out as a Montana Redneck 4 Obama

Twenty-one years ago, on the occasion of the first National Coming Out Day, October 11, 1987, I was one of three LBGT folks featured, with photo, on the front page of USA Today in an article written by Craig Wilson.

At that time, I was a founding member of the Board of Directors of the Pride Foundation, and Vice-President of Corporate Real Estate for Seattle-First National Bank, living with my then-partner in Seattle

Every year since then, I have looked for the opportunity to “take my next step” in the coming out process.

For several years, I have lived in rural Montana in the middle of the Flathead Indian Reservation in the town of Hot Springs, population 541. Everyone who knows me, and anyone who cares to know, knows that I am gay.

Yesterday, I saw an article on Raw Story about Rednecks for Obama. It was a story about two older Missouri men who were tired of the Karl Rove tactics of equating God, Guns, and NASCAR; with voting Republican. They made up a big “Rednecks 4 Obama” banner and have been present at the site of both the Vice-Presidential Debate, and last week’s Presidential Debate in Nashville, where they have caused quite a stir.

An idea began to form in my head. I called the Printery in the neighboring town of Plains and asked them to make of a 3’ x 8’ vinyl banner that said:

“MONTANA REDNECKS 4 OBAMA”

Yesterday afternoon I went over and picked up the banner and have been contemplating how to put it to use ever since.

This evening, while soaking in the hot springs here in town, I came up with the answer.

Tomorrow morning, I will park my pickup across the street from the Post Office and hang the “MONTANA REDNECKS 4 OBAMA” banner on the plumber’s rack of my old Toyota pickup, directly in the line of sight of every person who exits the Post Office parking lot.

One of the things I have learned over the years is that EVERYONE needs to come out about something.

I have also learned that it is important for me to walk THROUGH my fear. If I allow myself to be afraid of one thing, sooner or later I will be afraid of everything.

So, this National Coming Out Day, my next step will be coming out as a “Montana Redneck 4 Obama”.

Am I a little scared? You damn right! But I am just going to go ahead and do it anyway.

Comment #1: Pam Spaulding on 10/11 at 10:28 AM

My wife learned that a friend of hers from work is gay, but after he had moved to another job in another city. Other people knew he was gay, but she didn’t and he never said anything to her about it.

She feels hurt that he didn’t trust her. I’ve tried to explain how deeply personal something like that is, how difficult it is to come out to people in general, etc., and that she shouldn’t feel hurt because her friend did share this intimate fact with her.

Did I say the right things?...

Comment #2: MikeEss on 10/11 at 11:22 AM

I’m out as an anti-homophobe, not difficult in my circle. I’m not an “ally,” because it seems to me that calling yourself that is akin to saying “your struggle is mine too!” and it just isn’t.

Note to the people who wrote Firefox’s spellcheck: “homophobe” is too a word.

Comment #3: Hershele Ostropoler on 10/11 at 11:39 AM

I’m out as an ally!! It’s amazing how much things have changed in the past ten years. I’m embarrassed to say that I might not be an ally as consistently as I am if attitudes hadn’t changed to the point where it’s easy to do so. I remember you used not to able to ask someone not to use the word “faggot” without having a long, drawn out argument about it that would usually get heated and draw in several other people. Now I rarely hear the word, and when I do, pretty much everyone backs me up when I say that it’s inappropriate.

I guess my point is that I don’t want to pat myself on the back for standing up for gay rights. In the past, when it was more difficult, I was shitty at it. But I’m trying to make up for it—and being courageous feels great.

And also, national coming out day is my birthday! It’s also the day that my best friend came out five years ago.

Comment #4: Jenny Dreadful on 10/11 at 12:03 PM

are you comfortable shooting down homophobes when they spout off during a conversation?

Comfortable? It’s one of my favourite pastimes.

Then again, outright homophobia is difficult to spot in a large urban centre in Canada, especially if you’re straight or not visibly a member of the GLBT community. In my experience, most “city” homophobes here know enough to be coy about it, even around other straight-identifying folk—unless they’re liquored up and roaming in packs (cowards).

The largest manifestation made in my vicinity on a regular basis is the teen/young adult use of the word “gay” as a synonym for “stupid.” No, I never let it pass, and working on a campus gives me a lot of opportunity to play.

Pam, you’re right that “allies” should do more—correcting slurs, sending the odd email to politicians and attending Pride parades doesn’t really seem like enough.

Comment #5: Ranylt on 10/11 at 12:05 PM

The weirdest was at Thanksgiving when I discovered my stepbrother was a true believer in the idea that it’s a sin. (Then. I don’t know if he’s changed his mind since becoming more educated.) I didn’t know where to begin, since I disagree with every premise of his, from the idea that “sin” exist (don’t believe in god) to the idea that who you are could be a sin, to the idea that consenting, life-affirming sexual behavior could be considered immoral behavior. He was young, so I went for #2. He couldn’t really defend it, because it was a religious belief, and faced with my strong insistence that Gay People I Have Known were just gay, and that it’s not a choice, he got really backed up and there wasn’t much we could do to get around the impasse. However, my opinion was not in doubt. I also completely fail to see how the Jesus of the Bible, who embraced prostitutes, lepers, and tax collectors, wouldn’t also see how gay people are also oppressed and also, by Jesus’ own measure, closer to god. If you believe in that sort of thing.

Comment #6: Amanda Marcotte on 10/11 at 12:15 PM

In high school I was always the one my friends came out to, and I had to actually consciously make an effort to think it was wrong (I was raised a right-wing Christian). I gave up on that pretty quickly, and I am still honored that I was the one they chose.

My ex-husband was discharged from the Marines on homosexual admission (he actually was trans, and I call him “he” now because he stopped his transition nearly a year ago, mainly because I think he wants normalcy for our son, which is sad to me) in 2005. We were in the same unit and it was pretty difficult not to be out as an ally after that (the only antagonism in our relationship is over custody). However, I was in the band, so there was less of a problem with rampant homophobia in that particular MOS than there would be in a combat-related one. I still think the military is as ready as it’s going to get to get the fuck over people’s orientation.

I know there are at least two people in that unit who now support the logical proposition that there is no reason to ban either gay marriage or gays serving in the military outside of religion or personal preference, and that neither of those is a constitutional basis. We spent long hours of downtime at work debating this, and I would always come out on top.

I also know that both of my parents have come to be much more open-minded about homosexuality, even if my mother will never be able to bring herself to support equal rights in certain areas. She also loves Clay Aiken.

Comment #7: INTPagan on 10/11 at 12:22 PM

I honestly think the best medicine for homophobes of the uneasy but not hateful variety is exposure. I think people build it up in their heads what gay people and especially open same sex relationships are going to be like, and then when you actually spend time around out people, especially if they’re partnered, you realize something so profound it’s an immediate cliche: They are no different in any substantial way than straight people. Which is to say, just as diverse. Gay or straight, some people are hopeless romantics, some people are commitment-phobes, some people are happy-go-lucky singletons, some people are sensible people who enjoy love but don’t make it the end-all of their lives, some couples bicker all the time, and some couples make a great team. Things like the way you dress or what genitals you happen to have become minor issues compared to the Great Themes of Human Coupling.

For people who get hung up on picturing sex, I would say to them (though I’ve never had the opportunity, since they tend to be quiet about their hang-up)—-look, you can get past picturing people’s sex lives when they’re straight. And some straight people are utter freaks. We straight people often make the mistake of assuming that straight=vanilla, when of course any random straight person you meet might be a swinger or into hardcore BDSM, and you’d never know. Once you really absorb that idea, you realize “gay” is not a sexual behavior. It’s an orientation and part of your identity, like being straight. Gay and straight sex follow the same rules of disclosure—-not at work, not to strangers, only to friends who with whom that’s acceptable, etc.

And really, if you’ve known people in the closet, as Pam says, you really see the nervousness and gnawing on them, and it really drives home how much who you are attracted to is a fundamental part of your character, and hiding it is not healthy for anyone.

Comment #8: Amanda Marcotte on 10/11 at 12:30 PM

Are you out to…
—your friends? Yes
—your immediate family? Yes
—your extended family? Yes
—any/some/most of your colleagues at work? Yes - well, to my classmates and in class. I was out to my former colleagues and employees.
—your boss? Yes - well, to my former bosses - not currently working.
—your doctors? Yes
—your neighbors? Yes

Gay or straight, some people are hopeless romantics

Have we met?

Comment #9: teac on 10/11 at 01:15 PM

For my straight readers:
—are you “out” as an ally?
—are you able to talk about gay friends or relatives with others?
—are you comfortable shooting down homophobes when they spout off during a conversation?

1. Very much so.
2. Sure, why not? However, it should be noted that I live under a rock, and everyone that knows me has the same opinions on gays as I do.
3. I live in Texas. It’s better than shooting skeet, and talk about a target-rich environment!

Comment #10: Abra on 10/11 at 01:23 PM

Are you out to…
—your friends? Yes, and I have been since… freshman year.
—your immediate family? Yes.
—your extended family? With the exception of a few people- including my grandfather, who my mother asked me not to tell- all my family knows.
—any/some/most of your colleagues at work? I usually am, yes. However, at my last waitressing job I was not; my boss, and most of the higher up staff, were intensely homophobic as well as assholes with too much easy access to booze, so I made the choice not to be as open as usual. If I had been asked, I would not have lied, but because of how uncomfortable I felt I didn’t want to a) give them another excuse to be horrid and b) share that much of myself with people I disliked. And I am always out within my classes, especially the Soc based discussion ones.
—your boss? When I worked in childcare, I made sure my boss knew, because I am aware accusations of abuse can be extra grody when the accused is gay. Other than the aforementioned alcoholic head bartender/owner… yes. I am not ashamed, and if my sexuality is relevant to the topic at hand, I have no issues sharing.
—your doctors? Yup.
—your neighbors? ...The ones I know on a basis beyond nods and good mornings, yes. However, the large triangular rainbow sticker on my apartment’s sliding glass front door might just be a tipoff to those who I don’t know well, come to think of it. ;P

Comment #11: Sarah on 10/11 at 01:55 PM

I’m not out to my parents as bisexual, and I don’t know if it’s really a good idea. I just don’t know how to bring that up in a normal conversation: “Hi mom, yeah law school’s going fine, Hubby’s doing well, oh and did you know that I also like girls, even though I’m in a monogamous relationship with a guy?” I just don’t see anything good happening.

Comment #12: Antigone on 10/11 at 02:32 PM

As a straight ally, I am proud to say yes to all three. It’s not AS bad here in California as it was growing up in Tenessee & Kentucky, but having always had gay friends & acquaintances, its been easy for me to recognize ignorance and disinformation when it shows its ugly face and shoot them down.

Comment #13: Mark on 10/11 at 03:38 PM

She feels hurt that he didn’t trust her.

MikeEss, I’m not suggesting that your wife did anything wrong, but has she thought about *why* he apparently didn’t tell her? It could be anything from ‘he thought you already knew’ to ‘some third party told him that you hated gay people’. Again, not blaming her, but she might be less hurt if she can identify reason(s) her friend didn’t tell her.

Comment #14: mythago on 10/11 at 04:24 PM

So, at first I thought the answer to your first question was an obvious “yes!” Then I thought about it some more and realized it’s not so simple. I’ve always been very vocal in my support of The Gays, of course, but what I’ve been less explicit about is identifying firmly as a straight ally. So I’m fairly certain that some folks who I’m less close with actually think I am gay. It’s a bit of a weird dilemma, because ultimately I don’t really give a shit if people think I’m gay. On the other hand, it’s not true, and I’m a little uncomfortable at the idea of not correcting what I know to be an untrue belief. On the other other hand, it’s really not anyone’s business who I choose to sleep with, and I’m a rather private person, and I just plain do not want to talk about it. On the other other other hand, there’s something powerful and important about being straight and also being in support of gay rights, in terms of creating a model or expectation for other straight people.

For example, I’m pretty sure my boss thinks I’m gay. I’m not going to be like, “oh, and hey, totes not a gay, dude,” as though there’s something wrong with being gay and it’s really important to me that people know I’m straight. But it still doesn’t sit quite right with me.

Your second question is funny, though—almost all of my friends are gay, so if I couldn’t talk about them, I’d have nothing to talk about! : )

Comment #15: LauraB on 10/11 at 05:23 PM

I still feel bad that when my best friend came out to me in high school, I reacted very immaturely (well, it couldn’t have been that bad since we stayed friends and became close again, but I was still embarrassed about it). We’ve lost touch since I moved 2,000 miles away, and I still worry that she thinks I reacted badly because I didn’t like that she was gay when in fact I was very hurt that she’d told another of our friends in the same group before she told me. I realize now that she probably couldn’t tell me first because we were so close and she didn’t know for sure how I’d react, but try telling an 18-year-old that when her best friend is telling other people really important stuff first.

But at least I figured out what not to do the next time someone came out to me.

Comment #16: Mnemosyne on 10/11 at 06:17 PM

Are you out to…
—your friends?
—your immediate family?
—your extended family?
—any/some/most of your colleagues at work?
—your boss?
—your doctors?
—your neighbors?

I can’t even categorize myself well enough to decide if there is anything I could be “out” about.

I have it easy, if I know any homophobes, they don’t let me know. I also don’t generally talk about other people’s relationships with third parties, until they are mutual friends (in which case “being able to talk” is no accomplishment). I might be doing something right (don’t know what), because three of my not-close friends came out to me before they came out to their families or closer friends.

So, not good, but a little clueless about how to make it better.

Comment #17: inge on 10/11 at 11:40 PM

Are you out to…
—your friends?
Yeah. Most of my friends are straight, but are very vocal allies of equal rights.

—your immediate family?
When I came out, it was a total non-schock. My parents response? “That’s nice, dear. Eat your peas.” My brother was kinda weird about it and my grandmother was worried about me getting my ass kicked more than anything else.

—your extended family?
—any/some/most of your colleagues at work?
—your boss?
—your doctors?
—your neighbors?
For the most part, I’m not really out so much as I’m not in the closet. I just do my thing. It’s never been openly addressed, but I work in a shop with a bunch of Manly Men and they have to know, but it’s never an issue. My doctor’s cool. I actively sought out the only doctor on the coast who’s cool with both the LGBT community and the leather community. He’s fucking awesome. He’s like McCoy.

Despite living in Mississippi, I’ve had it pretty easy. I’ve been extraordinarily lucky.

Comment #18: Spooky Skeptic on 10/12 at 12:25 AM

i am often “accused” of being a lesbian. mostly because i tend to dominate class discussions, i guess. everytime, i laugh and walk away. i’m not sure what else to do - saying “oh, no, not me!” seems to me to be a bad idea that would give the impression that i think being gay is wrong.
if the person who is doing the “accusing” wants to talk more, i try to explain that i am the only straight woman i know - the rest are gay or bi, and whatever. never goes well. i need a better way.

i hate the phrase “that’s gay” and yell at everyone i catch doing it. o course, i do the same with the phrase “you got gypped”.

Comment #19: denelian on 10/12 at 03:46 AM

How sad that you used Clay Aiken’s name as a tag so that this article would come up on google searches. I wonder if he gave permission or even knows that he is now a poster boy for the LGBT? Does one ever just think that maybe people come out for their own very personal satisfaction and not for the world. Clay Aiken even instructed his fans on his message board not to use the fan club or the fan club message board as a gay discussion forum or gay rights advocacy forum. He was quite clear that his orientation does not define him. As a gay person I not only applaud him for that but give him a standing ovation. Yet now you have used his celebrity name as if you own it or have rights to it. I have always felt that our community seems to have no respect among us. In this case does it not seem more appropriate to wait until Clay Aiken says something himself to show his willingness to take up the banner for the LGBT? And doesn’t it seem plausible that many other celebrities might not be willing to come out for this very reason? I think that making a big deal out of someone’s coming out process and especially a celebrity’s is defeating our message. Why not be quiet and let it speak for itself? I think that it would garner more respect in the long run and therefore we would be heard. He came out and now every LGBT headline feels the need to run with it and splash to the world what was just recently a very personal and private matter for him. How embarrassing to a person who might be shy, introverted or just a very private person. Why not show respect for people’s privacy? Like he said ..... “being gay does not define me”. “It is just a facet of me”. I feel the same way. And if I were a well known person I would never publicly come out. When I came out I felt, and still do, that only my family and close circle of friends needed to know. Is it because I am ashamed? Absolutely not! It is because I am a private person and feel comfortable enough with who I am that I don’t need to share with the world one facet of who I am knowing full well that it will overshadow the total of me. Besides it’s no ones business.

Comment #20: Mac on 10/12 at 01:24 PM

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