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Next entry: Rachel Maddow goes soft on anti-gay Huckabee Previous entry: The good, and the annoying, side of cross-promotional synergy

Why this holiday season will be stressful

Nate Silver analyzes his hilarious and disturbing interview with John Ziegler, and concludes that the problem with conservative pundits and other persuasion professionals is they don’t even know how to persuade anymore.  Their every waking moment is dedicated to rousing the base with Pavlovian catch-phrases, and as such, the ability to reason and discuss has withered completely.

Hence what Wallace refers to as the importance of “stimulating” the listener, an art that Ziegler has mastered. Invariably, the times when Ziegler became really, really angry with me during the interview was when I was not permitting him to be stimulating, but instead asking him specific, banal questions that required specific, banal answers. Those questions would have made for terrible radio! And Ziegler had no idea how to answer them.

Stimulation, however, is somewhat the opposite of persuasion. You’re not going to persuade someone of something when you’re (literally, in Ziegler’s case) yelling in their ear.

The McCain campaign was all about stimulation. The Britney Spears ads weren’t persuasive, but they sure were stimulating! “Drill, baby, drill” wasn’t persuasive, but it sure was stimulating! Sarah Palin wasn’t persuasive, but she sure was (literally, in Rich Lowry’s case) stimulating!


Rick Perlstein adds to this with some observations culled from his research.  This passage is specifically about the “Drill, baby, drill!” catchphrase that took off with wingnuts even as it made pretty much everyone else in the country turn green and threaten to vomit. 

As a certified wingnutology, I was able to figure it out, with the benefit of a bit of brow-furrowing. It hearkened back to the 1960s far-left insurrectionist slogan, coined during Watts in 1965, of “Burn baby burn!” Rioters would chant it while, for instance, torching an ROTC building on campus. Remember?

Maybe not. But righties remember. To be a righty more and more means precisely to remember things like this—a body of the folklore of resentment dating back always to the 1960s, to Nixonland. Chanting something similar—“Drill baby drill!”—in the service of an intellectually indefensible right-wing policy panacea (magically solving America’s dependency on foreign oil through a program that will only yield tiny amounts of oil, and that only at least a decade in the future) is a nifty “f—- you” to all those late ‘60s insurrections, in the form of a claim that conseratives now are the real insurrectionists, the real rebels. You chant it, and feel the thrill of treason—in service to an actual policy of rank capitulation the narrowest of elite interests, the drillers of oil wells.

Rick’s right, of course, but I want to add another layer.  I think that it went from being a “fuck you” to a tiny minority of 60s violent radicals (many, if not most, of whom have mellowed anyway, making this group almost imaginary) to becoming a way to say “fuck you” to the rest of America, now deemed not-real.  You know, the majority of Americans.  The phrase was deliberately sexual, and not just that, but in the family of smutty phrases that invokes violence, perhaps even coercion.  If you give the wingnutteria a chance to romanticize a cheap, violent masculinity, they’re all over it.  “Drill, baby, drill” was about way more than oil.  It was about telling the rest of the country, “We’re going to make you our bitches.”  In fact, the image was not just about conquering the not-real American majority, but about violating our very spacious skies and purple mountains majesty.  The resentment runs that deep. 

The right wing resentments and self-proclaimed underdog status tends to tee liberals off, seeing as how the right has spent the past 40 years nurturing these resentments while controlling the government.  Even in the flush of our recent victories, we have to admit it probably won’t be long before the wingnuts are able to chip off 50+1% with their race-baiting, gender-baiting, and other strategies to distract people and turn them against each other.  But if you take the long approach, you can sort of see why they’re resentful.  On this week’s podcast, I address an interview Stephen Colbert did with Dan Savage (and the way that Dan allowed himself to be color-aroused in the days after Prop 8, and why he needs to just suck it up and apologize).  On the show, Dan was able to deflect the race issue by pointing out that the “old vote” was the major issue in Prop 8, and joked that they’re dying off.  There’s more than a grain of truth to this.  Republicans have cultivated a base by appealing to their worst instincts in the culture wars, but there’s limits to how much government power can really accomplish what the Republican base wants, which is a return to some fantasy 50s where women and black people knew their place, and gay people felt their choices were suicide or permanent closet status.  But the culture is leaving them behind.  You can ban gay marriage now, but that’s not going to put gay people back in the closet.  Even if anti-choicers got abstinence-only permanently installed in schools and got abortion banned, they would find that wouldn’t actually convince women to stay virgins until marriage and then marry young.  The cultural mores have changed.  So, even when they’re winning, they’re losing. 

What Nate and Rick are onto explains why a lot of us are going to have to strap on our dance shoes and tip-toe through the holiday season.  Because anyone who has a “mixed” family (Democrats and Republican base voters) knows, conservatives in families usually have license to rant and carry on and even pick on liberals, but it’s considered impolite if not scandalous for liberals to push back.  Antigone wrote about this frustrating double standard at Punkassblog.

I don’t want to go to ANY of the family for Christmas; because by some sort of unspoken contract that I was not a party to, we are only allowed to talk about: the weather, sports, new births, new relationships (on a very shallow level, and no talking about heartbreak), new jobs and food. Oh, and I’m no longer allowed to talk about the weather because I keep using meteorological terms and I brought up global warming once. I’m also forbidden from talking about, in no particular order: politics, books, movies, social movements, college, and the biggest one: religion.

Of course, a lot of the double standard depends on other patriarchal double standards—-family conservatives tend to be older and more male than family liberals, and thus they are permitted to have the floor and even harangue other family members without being resisted. But as I stated in comments, one thing I’ve noticed cropping up in different situations is the implication that it’s impolite for liberals to argue their point after being subject to conservatives arguing their point.  Because you’re not playing fair.  You see this in Nate’s interview with John Ziegler—-Ziegler starts to feel aggrieved, because it feels unfair of Nate to place the interview in the world of facts and logic when those are weak spots for Ziegler.  The way I put it in comments at Punkassblog:

Being right and/or logical is considered the equivalent of flashing money around. Just ugly, like you’re showing off to the less fortunate.

I always get this searing guilt when I’m provoked to defend liberal positions at family gatherings.  Health care broke my back in the past, and it wasn’t that I was wrong; it was that I was right.  The right wing objections to health care reform aren’t actual reasons, they are, at this point, catechisms. I had an answer to each one, and every time I could answer an objection, I had that same wrenching feeling when you cause someone to question a deeply-held faith.  Socialism?  Well, first of all, it’s going to incorporate private health insurance, but even if it were public, then so what?  If every public institution is socialism, that means that public education is “socialism”.  You won’t get to pick your doctor?  Gosh, isn’t that a problem under current HMOs, a problem that could be solved if the federal government exerted control and didn’t allow that anymore?  And so on.  It puts the conservative you’re arguing with in a bad situation.  They can’t get around the fact that you’re right, but they can’t change their mind, either, so they’re stuck.  It’s really evocative of being provoked to argue religion with a believer who wants to know why you’re an atheist.  I far prefer to drag that battle into a forum that’s public, instead of in a personal, face-to-face conversation where your advantages make you feel like a show-off asshole.

Anyway, in sum: I recommend that those of you in a similar boat prepare topics of conversation beforehand to get the subject off politics, even if provoked.  Board games are a useful strategy. 

 

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Posted by Amanda Marcotte on 12:53 PM • (103) Comments

My partner Kristina and I are fortunate: we’re in a position where we can get out of the country for Christmas.  We’ll be spending the holidays in Belgium, enjoying the Christmas markets without all the Jesusy stuff.

Comment #1: Jim  on  11/24  at  01:14 PM

The problem with “stimulation” wingnut style: even the Romans knew that if you were going to distract with circuses, you had to be damned sure that everybody had more than enough bread!  When bread gets in short supply, people start getting unhappy and stop watching the show.

That is what wingnuttery utterly fails to deliver: enough bread for everybody.  Eventually, hunger pulls people away from the spectacles like projection of “celebrity” onto the Obama campaign and then a distraction with lipstick.

Even the Chinese understand this and are taking some limited measures to stave off unrest as millions of young factory workers become unemployed and head back to the countryside.  With no work and no rice, lots of idle young people means big trouble ahead.

Comment #2: Ms Kate  on  11/24  at  01:21 PM

I’m thinking that maybe discussing Twilight with the positive enthusiasm of one of it’s fans might make the Holiday passable, cutting down conflict with relatives.

But then I’d have to kill myself out of shame and misery afterwards.

It’ll be an interesting Thanksgiving here.  My father just went on a recruiting trip to Taiwan for his alma mater and has been quiet for the last couple months as it became obvious that the pro-business elements of the GOP have been kicked hard to the crotch by the economy and social conservatives.  From a cryptic mail he sent last week, I think he’s had some sort of Friedman-esque revelation he wants to share.  Considering his kids and their spouses are all frothing liberals who voted for Obama, it could get weird.

Comment #3: idiosynchronic  on  11/24  at  01:22 PM

We got a taste of that on Saturday, when Amy and I drove 2 hours to celebrate her racist grandmother’s 81st birthday. She moved two hours north with her daughter so she could move into a “nice neighborhood.” I was really tempted to tell her that she was only 13 blocks north of MLK Blvd., but I figure she’s 81, so why push the issue. And we won’t be driving up there again.

But while we were there, we engaged in about 3 hours of the political two-step, basically because there was no point in actually talking about anything political. I mean, it might have gotten us out of there and to the beer tasting we went to later more quickly, but you make sacrifices for family.

Comment #4: Incertus, Nacho Daddy  on  11/24  at  01:29 PM

Now I’m going way off topic, but its idosynchronic’s fault!  My mother wants to know what to get my brother’s girlfriend for Christmas, and she talked to her and the Twilight series came up and I was asked to see if I can locate it for my mother.  What should I do?  I mean I know my brother’s girlfriend lacks taste, but should I really be feeding that?

Comment #5: Rob  on  11/24  at  01:35 PM

Thankfully, in my family (or at least the family we tend to see) there are few or no—I can’t think of any—right wingers.  There’s atheist grandma, a passle of librarians and school teachers, the Manhattan-dwelling gay second cousin, several childless by choice types, et cetera. 

We are spending Thanksgiving with grolby’s family.  They are not far off from mine, though.

Comment #6: rowmyboat  on  11/24  at  01:35 PM

Rob—say it was sold out everywhere, and then get her a couple seasons of Buffy—sexy vampires, but not vomit inducing—or something else in the genre that isn’t so awful.

Comment #7: rowmyboat  on  11/24  at  01:37 PM

I have three fun filled days of Fox News / Lord of the Rings being played LOUDLY in surround sound at my parents’ house next week for an early Christmas.  There, my father’s going to tell me how his dislike for our president elect is in no way related to his blatant acts of Blackery, but in fact how all of the whisper campaigns about him are true and only Sean Hannity is brave enough to talk about them.

This from a guy who essentially disowned me for dating outside of my race when I was in college.

My mother, on the other hand, is going to give me a copy of some book that apparently argues that “mainstream feminism” is eliminating the need for men, and that in 100 years it will just be women, sperm banks, and vibrators for all.

I should have asked for a case of Vicodin for Christmas instead of gift cards.

Comment #8: Joshua  on  11/24  at  01:37 PM

We had our Thanksgiving early, and while my brother who has always had health insurance (through his wife that he married at 19) was ranting about people “getting something for nothing” and how that’s what really bothered him, my other brother, who has been on his own and uninsured, spoke up! And while he’s a conservative, he’s had a bit of a conversion experience after being uninsured, broke, and having two kids to take care of to boot, without any help.

So, there may be hope, if only because at least some of your fundie relatives have had the crap kicked out of them in the last decade or so. And hatin’ on brown people is not, in fact, helping at all. It’s not like you see Lou Dobbs waiting in the ER line with you to get his broken wrist looked at, and some people are starting to catch on that the guys on the radio may not, in fact, actually know the answers.

Comment #9: emjaybee  on  11/24  at  01:40 PM

Being right and/or logical is considered the equivalent of flashing money around. Just ugly, like you’re showing off to the less fortunate.

Damn, that is so true, and precisely the feeling I get too.  I found the only way to navigate it with some semblance of not-turning-into-a-brawl is to dumb it down with “you never know” all over the damn conversation.  And darn it if that doesn’t feel just like well-to-do folks saying “we all have bills” when trying to relate a “top 10%” expense (like sending ALL of their kids to private high schools) with a “bottom 50%” expense (like paying rent on an apartment).

I think that quote belongs on my profile now…

Comment #10: KL  on  11/24  at  01:42 PM

I always hoped I might be able to get the older relatives to tell me about THE PAST; I suggest it as a possible gambit. What was it like growing up during the Depression? When did you first see a hippie? Etc. Interesting and not particularly political/religion oriented.

One awful aspect of religion in my husband’s family: older people who had been irreligious and freethinking, getting Born Again and super religious as they neared death. Whether becuase rural areas became super religious, or whether the spectre of the Grim Reaper loomed, don’t know, but definitley odd and off-putting.

In my family now, ALL the elders are dead. I encourage everyone to TRY to think of things they would like to talk about with them, while they are still with you. Even if you can barely stand to be around them, you are going to miss the shit out off your grandparents and parents once they are gone. Make the most of the holidays now; I do acknowledge that it is hard though.If you are in your thirties, there might not be a lot of time left to appreciate the old folks.

Comment #11: KMTBERRY  on  11/24  at  01:44 PM

I don’t have to deal with a lot of wingnuttery this season, thankfully, but I would think things would be better just knowing that even if your relatives are drinking the wackjob noise stream, their people just got rather decisively turned out of office.

Their radio people are sounding more and more insane in a most tin-foil sort of way, repeating their conspiracy theories over and over like that mumbling homeless person at the bus station.  Now we can just smile when our relatives parrot the insanity, because it has been getting more entertaininly batshit and more clearly impotent as the reality of losing sinks in.

Comment #12: Ms Kate  on  11/24  at  01:47 PM

I always hoped I might be able to get the older relatives to tell me about THE PAST; I suggest it as a possible gambit. What was it like growing up during the Depression? When did you first see a hippie? Etc. Interesting and not particularly political/religion oriented.

One of the sweetest conversations I ever witnessed was Thanksgiving, 2004.  My then six year old son figured out that his great grandmother was also six years old the last time the Red Sox won the world series.  He asked if she heard it on the radio and she told him they didn’t have radio yet and then answered his questions about how news got from point A to point B in 1918, when she was his age, what people did to celebrate, did they have a special day at school, etc.

Comment #13: Ms Kate  on  11/24  at  01:49 PM

Huh. I’ll admit that tend to make a habit of provoking political arguments with my conservative relatives at family functions. They’re so bad at argument that they tend to come off as complete assholes, which is endlessly entertaining. I never feel guilty about mocking conservative political positions.

Comment #14: arbitrista  on  11/24  at  01:52 PM

Yes, yes, a million times yes!  Even at college, I’m subjected to my one friend going on about how she “hates Obama”, hates “the liberal media like CNN”, thinks people with DailyKos accounts are evil, blah blah blah, and there’s no point in getting into an argument with her about it because then I’m the one being rude and ruining our good time.  Uh, right…

Comment #15: themann1086  on  11/24  at  01:55 PM

<blockqote>Because anyone who has a “mixed” family (Democrats and Republican base voters) knows, conservatives in families usually have license to rant and carry on and even pick on liberals, but it’s considered impolite if not scandalous for liberals to push back.</blockqote>

There’s going to be a lot less of that this year. One thing Obama’s victory has taught liberals is that it’s not so bad or scary to call conservatives on their BS in a calm, no-drama manner supported by facts. And the facts are on our side.

Of course, it helps that a lot of the focus is now on the economy, and that a lot of non-movement conservatives are as outraged as us by the current spectacle of corporate welfare. One interesting thing I’ve noted is how many otherwise conservative people I know are buzzing positively on Michael Moore’s comments on Larry King’s show.

Comment #16: Gracchus  on  11/24  at  01:56 PM

We’re bringing a 4-year-old and a four-month-old to Thanksgiving at the house where Fox News is always on the TV in the kitchen and the “liberal” members of the family are the ones who claim to understand why the BSA wouldn’t want gay scoutmasters. I realize this option isn’t available to everyone, but maybe one could borrow or rent…

Comment #17: paul  on  11/24  at  01:58 PM

Virtually my entire family is wingnutty.  Even somebody like my mom, who can sometimes be persuaded with logic and facts, defaults to wingnuttery as a normal response to most things.

I’ve learned to stay away from politics with my dad (who lives with us) because the friction is too much. 

My mother-in-law (who also lives with us) at least doesn’t take political discussions personally.  (She’s a small, old, Southern Asian widow who has lived through too many upsets of many different kinds — including the death of her husband when my wife was 3 — to believe there’s one and only one correct answer to life’s questions…)

I am incredibly thankful we aren’t doing some large family gathering for Thanksgiving, and I believe Christmas will be clear too this year.

I get enough stress from work and everyday life without getting an extra dose during holidays…

Comment #18: MikeEss  on  11/24  at  02:02 PM

I discovered that talking about the past has some off-putting consequences.  Like, I discovered when I asked about what high school was like that “no one (good) ever did drugs in the old days and if you ask about WW2 you get “you can’t trust the japs or chinks” (said five feet away from the adopted Korean grandkids).

I stick with food.  I love food, and I can get the good recipes: of course, then I get a lot of passive-aggressive comments about my weight.  But I’ll take that over some aggressive-aggressive comments about my patriotism.

Comment #19: Antigone  on  11/24  at  02:03 PM

m29zCL qsffnrzimpgr, egexszkqakeg, [link=http://cfwsyqecdbtk.com/]cfwsyqecdbtk[/link], http://dfrjfsyeouwo.com/

Comment #20: ieiijdyxzhn  on  11/24  at  02:10 PM

they don’t even know how to persuade anymore

To be fair, it’s hard to persuade someone that nonsense is true.  “You’re god is false, but mine is real because my holy book says so” or “if we cut taxes on the rich, they’ll build factories instead of buying fast cars and fast women” are just impossible to back up with any reality-based argument.  That’s one reason for inquisitions:  how else are you going to get someone to convert?

Comment #21: Notorious P.A.T.  on  11/24  at  02:11 PM

If you do start talking about politics, try to shift the conversational tone to historical.  It’s easier to talk about big issues if you are talking about the distant past.

Comment #22: Cris  on  11/24  at  02:11 PM

If you do start talking about politics, try to shift the conversational tone to historical.  It’s easier to talk about big issues if you are talking about the distant past.

How ancient do you have to go to avoid obvious rancorous issues?  Can’t talk about American history without hitting the Civil War which leads to Obama;  can’t talk about Greece or Rome without hitting American Imperialism or welfare (BTW why do wingnuts still think welfare is endless?);  can’t go beyond Greece without talking about Young Earth Creationism.  Yeah, being a wingnut requires ignorance of most of Western history.  And you can’t even switch to non-Western history without hitting “commie hippies who brought liberal ideology into history classes”.

Comment #23: KL  on  11/24  at  02:28 PM

I’ve gotten to the point where I just let it slide, because some of the rightier kinfolks have heart trouble, and dead bodies at the dinner table often offend.  the only line the wife and I draw in the sand is that, if anyone says the n-word or the f-word (no, not that one, the other one), we’ll politely and calmly point out that our two-year-old is there, and “she’s at the age where she just parrots everything, and we don’t want that word in her vocabulary.  Please respect our right to raise our child to share our values, and don’t use that word in her presence.”

Comment #24: Scott the Obscure  on  11/24  at  02:33 PM

History discussions always end up on some rancorous subject (whether or not it was a good idea to use nukes against Japan is a “favorite” in my family) that really have no end.

Comment #25: Ben D.  on  11/24  at  02:44 PM

fGBbus zxhduxavgfwj, ugziasfbhbzl, [link=http://ziutadigcswv.com/]ziutadigcswv[/link], http://nsybcgnldyjh.com/

Comment #26: sunbcmaobfz  on  11/24  at  02:44 PM

First off, 7 years of therapy helped IMMENSELY since my dad loves to antagonize people, especially his children, and not just about politics.  It got bad enough the last time they were in town that my older brother turned to my dad and said, “Will you just stop needling her already?”

The plus side is, both my conservative dad and brother are very aware that Bush and his crew have completely fucked things up since they’re both in financial fields, so they don’t dare bring up anything political because they know we’ll laugh at them.

Also, nodding, smiling and changing the subject are underutilized skills.  Even my dad can eventually be redirected to another topic with enough polite refusals to discuss his points.

Comment #27: Mnemosyne  on  11/24  at  02:47 PM

As a certified wingnutology,

WTF, don’t these guys even READ their own stuff?

Comment #28: Eric, Rejector of Memez  on  11/24  at  02:48 PM

Okay, dumb question:

For those folks with absolute wingnut families, why not consider not going?  Why don’t you say something like, “I love you all, but I don’t feel welcome because everyone is always talking about politics in a way that’s extremely unpleasant.  Next year looks good.”  I had to do something similar for a few thanksgivings with one wing of my family, and it ended up working out.  I dunno.

I mean, it’s your life.  If your families can’t display the common courtesy of being reasonably civil the vast majority of the time you’re together, then isn’t that their problem?

I’m blessed with a largely sensible family, but I do have one wingnut member.  My plan is to loudly discuss which food item I’m interested in as soon as the rant du jour starts and to continuously detail the excellence of the food item until either he or she gets the message or I am forced to physically serve the food item to cause temporary silence.

Comment #29: Punditus Maximus  on  11/24  at  02:56 PM

Did the spammers disemvowel themselves?

Comment #30: Ms Kate  on  11/24  at  02:59 PM

I was at a wedding Saturday night where the father of the bride pointed out how he knew his future son-in-law (my wife’s cousin) was wise because they were both men were reading a book by ‘a brilliant young man’ named Mark Steyn entitled “America Alone.”  The man wasn’t kidding.  Upon the mention of the author’s name and the book title (both of which had no place in his anecdote other than as a wingnut shibboleth), I shared an open expression of horror with the mother of the groom (who is aware of her son’s right-wing leanings). 

This is nothing new to me, of course.  As a firefighter, I have the privilege of working 24 hours at a time with some of the most right-wing, reactionary people ever to draw a hefty public salary.  There is nothing so stomach-churning as hearing people who make six figures incomes off the taxpayers complaining of a Democratic president-elect who they know is going to raise their taxes.

Comment #31: Church Secretary  on  11/24  at  03:21 PM

I only see my (very large, somewhat right-wing) extended family once a year at Christmas.  They already think I’m some sort of weirdo because I’m not married with a bunch of kids.  So, you know, I just open my mouth and say what I think and to hell with the consequences.

This is not a good strategy for keeping the peace, but it is very satisfying.

Comment #32: laurab  on  11/24  at  03:24 PM

We’re bringing a 4-year-old and a four-month-old to Thanksgiving at the house where Fox News is always on the TV in the kitchen and the “liberal” members of the family are the ones who claim to understand why the BSA wouldn’t want gay scoutmasters. I realize this option isn’t available to everyone, but maybe one could borrow or rent…

Borrow or rent a new family over Christmas?  Interesting idea - I think I see a business opportunity there…

Comment #33: Phoenician in a time of Romans  on  11/24  at  03:25 PM

It would conveniently remove all of those “but wheeennnn are ya gonnna BREEEEED” questions, too!

Comment #34: Ms Kate  on  11/24  at  03:28 PM

was wise because they were both men were reading a book by ‘a brilliant young man’ named Mark Steyn entitled “America Alone.”

Good God. Mark Steyn should win the “Biggest Douche in the Universe” award.

Comment #35: Ben D.  on  11/24  at  03:30 PM

Well, he either is or he ties with Steve Sailer. I’m not sure which would win the Biggest Douche in the Universe award in a head-to-head match.

Comment #36: Ben D.  on  11/24  at  03:32 PM

Virtually my entire family is wingnutty.  Even somebody like my mom, who can sometimes be persuaded with logic and facts, defaults to wingnuttery as a normal response to most things.

I’ve learned to stay away from politics with my dad (who lives with us) because the friction is too much.

That describes my family, too, except that my parents live in MI and I am in AZ.  My husband and I visited my family in MI last week and we had an early Thanksgiving dinner.  Politics came up briefly, but everyone danced around the subject, not delving into it too much.  We’ve tried that before, resulting in bad juju and not so thankful thoughts about family.  The family elders are conservative Christians, while me, my sisters, and our respective mates are progressive and feel varying degrees of spirituality.

Except for my grandma, that is.  She mentioned how she was glad that Prop 8 passed in California because, “it’s just not right, those gays,” at which point my husband and my sister’s boyfriends excused themselves, and I asked who was ready for dessert and game-time!?  My dad and I are the most vocal about our political opinions, but learned years ago that we just have to agree to disagree.

Comment #37: spyrals  on  11/24  at  03:34 PM

Eric, you’ve drifted from being a ineffectual grammar nazi to being anti-humor, which doesn’t do much for your people’s reputation.

Comment #38: Amanda Marcotte  on  11/24  at  03:36 PM

My family isn’t wing-nutty. But they are conservative Democrats—think Chris Matthews, except southern. Yeah, in some ways it is more frustrating to deal with that type.

Comment #39: Ben D.  on  11/24  at  03:39 PM

For those folks with absolute wingnut families, why not consider not going?

Well, because they’re family.  You only get one.  And as much as some family members’ politics annoy me, I like having a family.  They’re all perfectly good people, they just believe in fucked up shit.  And I’m sure they think the same of me—I’d be horrified if I were disinvited from holiday family gatherings because they didn’t appreciate my politics. 

Honestly, I find myself defaulting a lot to the most basic liberal arguments.  Really more like the most basic not-wingnut arguments.  Even that tends to be treated like communism, as far as family is concerned.  I just try to keep it simple and civil and keep the tone dialed down.  I also try really hard to just bite my tongue and let them think they’ve gotten one over on me, if the rational and civil stuff doesn’t seem to be working.  THe only thing that’s liable to get me bent out of shape is if someone defends the use of racial slurs and other racist language/casual racism.  Especially because their only response is that I just don’t understand “how it is down here” because I’m a yankee now.  One of my biggest fears is having to bring home a hypothetical non-white partner home to meet the folks.

Comment #40: The Opoponax  on  11/24  at  03:57 PM

I’m not sure which would win the Biggest Douche in the Universe award in a head-to-head match.

Wouldn’t that be wand to wand?

Comment #41: Ms Kate  on  11/24  at  03:58 PM

“Certified Wingnutologist”, THAT would have been humor.

(I double checked the link: seriously, that was “hilarious”???  I’m not seeing it.  Appalling more like.)

Comment #42: Eric, Rejector of Memez  on  11/24  at  04:04 PM

I hear the repeated refrain of “just shut up to keep the peace”, which, don’t get me wrong, is what I generally try to do.  But does anyone feel like they’re compromising their values when they do this?  As progressive activists, we should be trying to change the hearts and minds of people: how can we do this when we’re not even trying to convince our own friends and family? 

And I know the “It probably won’t even work” anyway counter-argument, which has some merit, but that’s still an unknown.

Thoughts?

Comment #43: Antigone  on  11/24  at  04:11 PM

As progressive activists, we should be trying to change the hearts and minds of people: how can we do this when we’re not even trying to convince our own friends and family?

It depends on the family member.  My brother can probably be talked down from the biggest excesses of the Republican Party (and since he’s been recommending NPR’s “The Giant Pool of Money” to people, he’s already heading that direction). 

Arguing with the elderly is usually not worth it, because “now you’ve upset Grandma/Grandpa and ruined Thanksgiving” and even if you’re right, you still look like the asshole.  When your grandparents or elderly parents say something appalling—like the time my grandmother referred in passing to “ghosts” (as in “spooks”), the best thing to do is change the subject.  Unless you have small children around, in which case you need to take Scott the Obscure’s tack of asking them not to use language like that in front of your children.

You also need to know your family.  I know that my dad loves to repeat outrageous things he heard on Rush just to piss us off.  There’s no “persuading” that’s going to happen there, because he’s doing the social equivalent of farting on purpose.  If you think some people present are persuadable, go ahead and persuade, but don’t bother with the people who are just doing it to make you mad.

Comment #44: Mnemosyne  on  11/24  at  04:22 PM

Ben D.: I’m not sure which would win the Biggest Douche in the Universe award in a head-to-head match.

Perhaps a douche-off?

Comment #45: grendelkhan  on  11/24  at  04:22 PM

I don’t want to go to ANY of the family for Christmas; because by some sort of unspoken contract that I was not a party to, we are only allowed to talk about: the weather, sports, new births, new relationships (on a very shallow level, and no talking about heartbreak), new jobs and food.

I hate to say it, but the truth is that one of the reasons I am making sure to come home from my vacation in time for Thanksgiving is not only to tell everyone about my new, awesome job, but also to be able to gloat in sufficiently obnoxious form if any one of my Republican members of my extended family tries to rant about politics, as they tend to do. Normally I try to find common ground because, honestly, I sort of like them, but as Nate Silver has discovered, they’re becoming further and further disconnected from reality and, well, someone needs to tell them, “Do you ever listen to yourself?”

For those folks with absolute wingnut families, why not consider not going?  Why don’t you say something like, “I love you all, but I don’t feel welcome because everyone is always talking about politics in a way that’s extremely unpleasant.  Next year looks good.”

I appreciate the sentiment, but you shouldn’t pass up 2008 as your opportunity to gloat. Not that I support such things, but you’d figure this is the time when you have to wonder what they could possible say that couldn’t be cut off with, “and the American people decided in large numbers that such sentiments were completely nuts.”

Comment #46: Tyro  on  11/24  at  04:40 PM

I know how to keep the peace.

A lot of it involves the fact my father won’t wear a hearing aid. So I wear mine, let him play with the grandkids, and talk in code to my sister (also a flaming liberal). I stay out of politics with Dad. He and my husband talk money and stocks, which helps too.

My mother… again, grandkids, esp. musically talented ones, are a great distraction.  Mom keeps trying to get me to read the Left Behind books. She thinks they’re terrific. (this raises questions about her judgment on MY writing) I’ve read enough to know I would find them unreadable. Mom’s not terribly political, but very religious. Which means back in the broom closet for us, because it would cause her much harm if we weren’t.

Comment #47: Angelia Sparrow  on  11/24  at  04:43 PM

this is exactly why in a way I dread seeing my family back in Minnesota every year around Xmas time even though I likely haven’t seen them in the whole year since last Xmas.

I am not allowed to express my opinions (or in some cases even have an opinion- nothing makes me more angry than being talked/yelled over while trying to politely make a point) and the resentment just burns inside.

But then it’s always been this way with my family. It’s amazing that I can even think for myself at all since I’ve been treated such a way since I was very young.
Hence why being over 1K miles away from most of them, even though I love them very much, is the best life strategy.

Comment #48: Danica Lefse Queen  on  11/24  at  04:53 PM

Mom keeps trying to get me to read the Left Behind books. She thinks they’re terrific. (this raises questions about her judgment on MY writing) I’ve read enough to know I would find them unreadable.

If you haven’t read these already, I highly recommend Slacktivist’s analysis series on the Left Behind books.

Comment #49: Tyro  on  11/24  at  04:54 PM

I appreciate the sentiment, but you shouldn’t pass up 2008 as your opportunity to gloat.

There is that, too.  My father spent all of Thanksgiving 2000 with the TV on Fox News ranting about Al Gore trying to “steal” the election, so I’m kinda looking forward to having a Democratic president-elect this holiday.  Especially since the disasters of the past 8 years mean my dad’s primary reason for being a Republican—his pocketbook—has gotten a major beating.

(Though, really, the shutting up from both him and my brother started after Hurricane Katrina.  They may not like black people, but they disliked watching the government leave American citizens to drown even less.)

Comment #50: Mnemosyne  on  11/24  at  04:54 PM

know that my dad loves to repeat outrageous things he heard on Rush just to piss us off.  There’s no “persuading” that’s going to happen there, because he’s doing the social equivalent of farting on purpose.

THIS. My dad does the same. I just never had the words to describe it. Thank you.

Comment #51: elise  on  11/24  at  04:55 PM

Another anecdote:

There’s only one wingnut in our extended family, and that’s my mother in law’s second husband.  They’re of the non-religious Libertarian persuasion, all about taxes, taxes, lazy minorities, terrorism, oh, and taxes.  My wife and I have managed to have pretty civil holidays with them for about ten years because they’re both science fiction and movie geeks, and that’s a pretty big safe topic to have.

So for me, the idea of getting into big holiday arguments kind of had a novelty appeal.  Up until this year, politics would only rear its head (Putin like!) in occasional quick bursts of opinion spouting or passive aggressive poking around.

This year, though, the election blew the top off our unspoken agreement to not discuss politics.  The stepfather started bombarding us with emails about how horrible Obama is, blah blah.  And then my wife’s mother visited us in DC for a few days during October, and we were innocently walking along when along came a cell phone call from stepdad saying that he’d sent us an email about the housing crisis.  Great, he’s just giving us advice about when to buy a house, we thought innocently.

Only it turned out that he’d sent us that YouTube meme saying the the mortgage crisis was all Obama’s fault because the evil gov’t forced the sensible banks to give loans to unqualified borrowers, wink wink.

So during the rest of the visit, we had reasonable discussions with my mother in law, who is much more reasonable than stepdad.  I showed her a few essays by conservatives who thought Obama was better than McCain, and it turned out that both of them were, shall we say, low information voters:  my mother in law was genuinely surprised to hear that gov’t spending had actually GROWN under Bush, a “conservative.” 

So then we thought, what the hell, maybe we can exchange a few emails with stepdad and keep it civil, right? I sent him some links to a few articles, he then immediately sent me a rant about how dumb democrats are, and he knows better because he’s owned buildings, etc etc.  So I sent him a short email talking about ground rules to keep things from going all Falme War.

Five minutes after sending him the “ground rule,” he shot back a message saying “you don’t get to make ground rules when you talk to me!!!11!”

So I set the ground rules by saying no more emails, please.

Thus ended our grand adventure into talking politics with conservative family members!

Comment #52: Dr. Locrian  on  11/24  at  04:58 PM

I’m thinking about hitting the road right after Thanksgiving and going to visit friends in other parts of the state, because frankly I don’t want to deal with my sole Republican aunt bloviating all weekend about how much she hates the rest of us.

Comment #53: realityfighter  on  11/24  at  05:06 PM

It depends, of course, on the board game.

Comment #54: MH  on  11/24  at  05:20 PM

I’m lucky in that pretty much everyone in my entire (very extended) family is some shade of progressive/liberal. The only one I can think of off the top of my head who isn’t is my sister-in-law’s stepdad, who is really just kind of a general dim bulb, not any particular stripe of political nonsense-peddler.

It is endlessly amusing, however, to watch this vegetarian, holistic medicine-touting, crystal-waving old-school long-haired hippie freak rant on and on about how the Mexicans are taking over the country. Good times.

Comment #55: Dan, Grand High Emperor of Bananas Foster  on  11/24  at  05:41 PM

this is a brilliant piece Amanda, as usual.  And applies precisely to my thanksgiving gathering, with a bunch of orange country relatives who are exactly as you describe them:  they know you’re right, but they can’t change their minds..I’ve experienced that exact situation with them..  their usual tactic is to arbitrarily change the subject.

Pretty funny actually.

Comment #56: LL  on  11/24  at  05:43 PM

It would conveniently remove all of those “but wheeennnn are ya gonnna BREEEEED” questions, too!

Oh, you get those too?

Tell you what, I’ll show up at your Xmas get-together as your boyfriend, unshaven, wearing a unwashed singlet, and discussing panel-beating and how I’d totally do Anne Nicole Smith given half a chance, if you show up at mine barefoot, talking about your three other kids with different fathers, and asking my rellies if they can lend you money for your sure-fire gambling system, okay?

Comment #57: Phoenician in a time of Romans  on  11/24  at  05:59 PM

Oh, you get those too?

I have kids turning 11 and 13 at the beginning of the year, so, not for a while ...

I just know people who do get this, and remember my “maiden” aunt getting the same. Of course, you see the flip side when it is somebody who is not married and pregnant and then it is suddenly all about how they are “too young” and not ready for a child - even at age 27 with a nursing degree and apparently permanent partner.

Comment #58: Ms Kate  on  11/24  at  06:12 PM

Oops, cut off there ... well, if I didn’t have a husband and actual kids, it sounds like a good deal to me Piator ... a real trailer court Xmas for sure!

Comment #59: Ms Kate  on  11/24  at  06:14 PM

I would PAY extremely good money to watch the LB-touting mom above read Slacktivist’s analysis of “LB”.

Man, here in the Blue Bubble we don’t really get any conservatrons.  The only person I know who even listens to the Wingnutteria is a theater major who does it rather in the spirit of ‘keeping an eye on the crazies.’

Comment #60: Eric, Rejector of Memez  on  11/24  at  06:22 PM

One of my biggest fears is having to bring home a hypothetical non-white partner home to meet the folks.

I did this.  My parents, sisters, and cousins were really cool about it, but they were the only ones.  The older members of the extended family just about shit bricks.  Of course, I warned my grandparents beforehand and flat out told my papaw that if he said one word to the man or anyone else that even could possibly be construed as even slightly racist, then I’d leave and he’d never see me again.  And since I’m the oldest granddaughter and was a favorite, it worked.  And of course, after he got to know the man, he really loved him (everyone does, he’s quite lovable).

The relatives that surprised me with the covert racism, though, were my mom’s siblings.  I swear, every single one of them (at the time, she had 9 living) pulled me aside that Thanksgiving to make sure I knew what I was doing and how difficult my life would be if I stayed with him.  And to think of the horrible life I’d be subjecting my then theoretical children to.  It got really tedious after a while.  And again, once they got to know him, they loved him and it became okay, because he isn’t “really black” (he’s Sri Lankan). 

And then my sisters had to go through it all again a few years later when she brought home her partner (a black guy).  And when she proceeded to have children with him without the benefit of marriage, it was a huge scandal among the older extended family.

I love my family and I really love seeing them (and I’m horribly disappointed that we’ll be missing Thanksgiving this year—I do always look forward to it), but there’s a reason I moved 400 miles away.  It’s a 7-8 hour drive to see any of them and so I only do it a couple times a year.  And it works out really nice that way.

Comment #61: ks  on  11/24  at  06:47 PM

my grandfather was a union tradesman, so voting for democrats has been programmed into our dna, plus my grandparents are the type of catholics who believe in helping the poor and keeping a watch on your own behavior, not that of others. unfortunately my aunt has been slowly losing her grip on reality ever since a personal tragedy and has become a born again wingnut with the foulest beliefs and it grows harder and harder to be around her. my uncle is assuming the role of the family patriarch as my grandfather is on his last years, and my uncle is pretty good at calling out my aunt, but she gets my blood pumping so much that i often have to head outside for a cigarette and to listen to a few songs on my ipod to cleanse my soul.

this thanksgiving i’ll be with dan’s family instead of my own, all liberal reform jewish lawyers. holidays with his family involve fantastic in depth conversations about politics and current events that i always enjoy, even his 93 year old grandfather voted obama. i’m lucky, i enjoy my future in-laws even more than my own family.

Comment #62: jessilikewhoa  on  11/24  at  06:53 PM

“And again, once they got to know him, they loved him and it became okay, because he isn’t “really black” (he’s Sri Lankan).

I never quite get selective racism. With my family it was kind of the opposite. They told me several times I could date a black woman, but no “foreigners”. rolleyes

Comment #63: Ben D.  on  11/24  at  07:01 PM

And by “foreigners”, in scare quotes, they didn’t mean Europeans.

Comment #64: Ben D.  on  11/24  at  07:03 PM

“And again, once they got to know him, they loved him and it became okay, because he isn’t “really black” (he’s Sri Lankan).

It’s not so much that I fear said individual would be personally put down or called out, but what they would overhear.  I already had to deal with it when I introduced a Jewish boyfriend to my grandparents.  And he was offended just because my grandfather looked up in the middle of dinner, looked at him across the table, and asked point blank, “Are you Jewish?” (it was like something out of that sequence from Annie Hall).  I don’t think he even meant anything by it, but it offended the dude, and really set the tone for his relationship with my family. 

I’ve already decided that if I settle down permanently with anyone who isn’t white, I will immediately disown anyone in my family, no matter how loved, who says WORD FUCKING ONE about it, or even if I hear a rumor that they did so behind my back, or if they say other racist stuff in the presence of said partner.  That would be the point at which I would take Punditus Maximus’ advice.

Comment #65: The Opoponax  on  11/24  at  07:10 PM

Sadly, I will not be able to gloat this Thanksgiving after all—my dad just canceled their trip out here (not entirely unexpected since he’s waiting for a new kidney and not feeling great right now).  And here I was looking forward to it after what he put us through in 2000.  :-(

Comment #66: Mnemosyne  on  11/24  at  07:29 PM

Fortunately all my immediate family members are liberal feminist pro-choice commie mooslims (okay I might have made part of that up) like me. Mom’s cousins are all a bunch of idiot conservatives of the worst, most ignorant type (poor uneducated rural people of the type the GOP has less than no respect for), and Mom and my brothers and I like to sit around the fire roasting chesnuts and talking trash about them.

Comment #67: Sarah  on  11/24  at  07:32 PM

Oddly enough, though I had shouting matches with my father during the election season as he felt McCain was more trustworthy and “experienced” than Obama despite his past anti-Asian racist history, help from familial connections during his Naval and political career, appalling ignorance of basic information regarding Middle East issues, apparent ignorance of the economy by calling for a massive spending freeze when we were entering a recession, etc…...the fact Obama won with the margins he did in the election has effectively shut him up.

Moreover, if we happen to have Christmas dinner over at my aunt and uncle’s house, my fiscally conservative solidly Republican uncle probably won’t be talking much politics not only because his children with one exception are far more liberal than he is, but also because his assertion that Americans were too racist to vote for an African-American candidate has apparently been proven false.  It does help he and I were able to maintain a civil and even friendly tone during those political discussions last year. 

If anything, this may be a far more relaxing Thanksgiving/Christmas gathering than last year if political discussions are any consideration.

Comment #68: exholt  on  11/24  at  07:32 PM

One of my biggest fears is having to bring home a hypothetical non-white partner home to meet the folks.

Though my extended family will most likely give me crap if I introduced an African-American GF, it will pale in comparison to level of umbrage and outrage that would ensue if I brought home a Japanese/Japanese-American GF as my parents generation were old enough to remember how the Imperial Japanese army rampaged across China during the 1930s and 40s. 

Saw this in action when an older female cousin introduced her Sansei Japanese-American fiancee to her parents and extended family and heard about the bitter rage about her choice, especially from her father who had seen too much of the violence and carnage firsthand as a child/adolescent.  Though my mother acted as the peacemaker so her parents allowed the marriage to proceed and the two families get along great…....I am still very wary of this animus. 

This is not helped by idiotic Japanese right-wing politicians who still make revisionist statements attempting to deny their nation’s colonial legacy and its ill-effects on their Asian neighbors…...and then wonder why so many of those neighbors are distrustful of their intentions and still bitterly angry when their own officials make statements like this apparent genius. rolleyes

Comment #69: exholt  on  11/24  at  07:54 PM

my grandparents are the type of catholics who believe in helping the poor

Sounds like my grands, when they moved to an upscale part of San Jose, they attended the church that was one parish over because it was poorer than the one that was in their neighborhood, and thus needed their support more than the one they were supposed to go to.

They’re of the non-religious Libertarian persuasion, all about taxes, taxes, lazy minorities, terrorism, oh, and taxes.  My wife and I have managed to have pretty civil holidays with them for about ten years because they’re both science fiction and movie geeks, and that’s a pretty big safe topic to have.

Just so you know, one reason (American) sci-fi is a safe topic with Libertarians is (surprise) a big chunk of it was written by people financially supported by Libertarians (see: the Prometheus Award).

Comment #71: KL  on  11/24  at  08:11 PM

it will pale in comparison to level of umbrage and outrage that would ensue if I brought home a Japanese/Japanese-American GF as my parents generation were old enough to remember how the Imperial Japanese army rampaged across China during the 1930s and 40s.

If there were a comparable dynamic at play in my family, it would be somewhat understandable.  One of my childhood best friends, who is from a very devout Hindu family, got engaged to a woman who is Muslim and of Pakistani descent.  I was pretty surprised how chill both of their families were about the whole thing, especially considering that their grandparents lived through Partition.  I’m personally glad that they’ve found happiness together, but at the same time I’d understand their parents and grandparents being hostile.

There’s a big difference between “your grandparents and my grandparents were on opposite sides of a war” (or “your grandparents colonized my grandparents”, or “your grandparents ethnically cleansed my grandparents”) and “my family are a bunch of fucking bigots!  whee!”

Comment #72: The Opoponax  on  11/24  at  08:15 PM

This is so true!  Both my mother before me and I have experience being the liberal black sheep of the family and we’ve always felt that we were blamed more for “ruining” various things than our conservative counterparts.

I think that one reason that this double standard exists is the differing “targets” of many of these arguments.  I think that the perception is that the conservative is “targeting” the Other with their comments while the liberal is “targeting” a fellow family member.

ex 1:

Uncle J. makes a joke using a racial slur or a homophobic slur or dehumanizes women in some way.

Megan responds by saying that she doesn’t appreciate hearing that kind of inappropriate language.

Family perceives J. as referring to and “harming” someone who is both not present currently and “not like us” (ie: doesn’t count as a full human) with his comment and Megan as referring to and “harming” J. with her comment.  Family passes judgment on Megan and not J.

ex 2:

Grandpa F. quotes Rush about how liberals actually hate America.

Megan responds by saying that she actually loves America and finds that comment hurtful to her personally.

Family perceives F. as referring to and “harming” a collective group of Othered commie pinkos (despite their knowledge that Megan is one of that group… cognitive dissonance is a big part of this picture) with his comment and Megan as referring to and “harming” F. with her comment.  Family passes judgment on Megan and not F.

***

In other words, the offensive individual is seen as being hurtful to “outsiders” while the person on the defensive is seen as being hurtful to “insiders.”  The fact that liberalism (or any other Others for that matter) has infiltrated that inside space is vehemently denied.  After all, the family is supposed to be a space that is safe from all of the scary change that happened in society at large.  The pinkos couldn’t have gotten into that domestic space, could they?

Right?

Guys?

Comment #73: Megan  on  11/24  at  08:32 PM

There’s a big difference between “your grandparents and my grandparents were on opposite sides of a war” (or “your grandparents colonized my grandparents”, or “your grandparents ethnically cleansed my grandparents”) and “my family are a bunch of fucking bigots!  whee!”

The dynamic I’ve seen in my family and other families is that it is a both/and issue rather than an either/or. 

In the case of my older cousin’s fiancee, none of his immediate family could have been involved in the Second Sino-Japanese war…..or in the vast majority of Japan’s colonialist campaigns as his grandparents and great grandparents emigrated to the US sometime in the 1890s-1900s.  It is one thing if his parents/grandparents generation actually fought for Imperial Japan…...or if he was descended from a prominent Japanese imperial militarist or mid-high ranking military officers like General Tojo or Admiral Yamamoto…...it is completely another if the family had no actual such links to the family and have been in the states for so long they have been practically assimilated by the 1930s and 40s.

Comment #74: exholt  on  11/24  at  08:34 PM

And he was offended just because my grandfather looked up in the middle of dinner, looked at him across the table, and asked point blank, “Are you Jewish?” (it was like something out of that sequence from Annie Hall).

So, I’m Jewish and my husband’s family is all evangelical Christians and rightwing Republicans, with a few exceptions among his siblings and cousins. The first time I visited his family, his grandfather said, “I hear you’re from a Jewish background. That’s wonderful. I love Jewish people.” I wasn’t exactly outraged - I could see he meant in a nice way, in his own way - but it was definitely weird.

Anyway, he died several years ago, and the family met at his favorite restaurant for a rememberance dinner on the first birthday after his death. Everyone went around and shared a story about him. It got to be my turn, and being on the spot, this was the only story I could think of. After a whispered consultation with my husband, I told the story. I kind of thought it was a “Boy, we got off on the wrong foot, didn’t we? But later we learned to be friends” sort of story. But the reaction around the table was a big “Awwww!” They took it as: “He was so welcoming and kind to me even though I was different.” Ack!

As for politics with them, I pick my battles, but if something comes up, I express myself. Probably the least diplomatic thing I ever did was question why my father-in-law really needs a tax break when he seems to be living fairly well, with a nice house and nice vacations. Given that I was on one of those nice vacations, at least partially at his expense, when I said this, it didn’t go down too well.

Comment #75: chingona  on  11/24  at  08:41 PM

I think Megan has a really good read on the psychological dynamics at play. But one other thing that comes into it is differing levels of tolerance for conflict. My mother-in-law got really mad at my husband and her husband (my father-in-law) for getting into a heated discussion/argument about the presidential campaign at his neice’s birthday party in late October. Neither my husband nor my father-in-law believed they were having an argument, just a discussion about a strongly held disagreement, so neither made an effort to end/divert/discontinue the discussion. My MIL believes they “ruined” the birthday party. (I wasn’t there, and therefore have no opinion.)

Comment #76: chingona  on  11/24  at  08:46 PM

My father spent all of Thanksgiving 2000 with the TV on Fox News ranting about Al Gore trying to “steal” the election . . .

Mnemosyne - Just out of curiosity, since the 2000 election, does he ever complain about “activist judges”?

* * *

Aarrgh. Thanksgiving is usually my favorite holiday because it’s a holiday that’s almost entirely food-based, I like to cook, and I’m usually the one doing the cooking.  THIS year, as I type, I’m in Oregon, the family is scattered over six states and three continents, and there will be so few for dinner that we’re actually going to a restaurant, which is the Thanksgiving equivalent of a plastic Christmas tree. Hell,  I’d love a political argument with my Republican mom—who’s spending the holiday in Venice, Italy.

This sucks.

Comment #77: Molly, NYC  on  11/24  at  08:51 PM

While tolerance for conflict might explain why politics is made verboten in general, is does not explain why uninvolved family members would, for example, warn the liberal family member from responding to the out of control conservative family members because to do so would be “impolite.”  After all, once a slur or a disparaging remark about the patriotism of someone present has been made, the conflict has already begun, right?

Of course, I’m not saying that this happens in every home.  I’m sure that in some households there is equal opportunity blame for ruining the holidays to go around.  But in my home, at least, it is always the liberals fault for “rising to the bait” and not the conservative’s for going fishing in the first place.

Comment #78: Megan  on  11/24  at  08:53 PM

Shorter version of above: I agree with chinoga. smile

Comment #79: Megan  on  11/24  at  08:53 PM

Punditius, part of my problem with the right wing media is they actively encourage this behavior and these problems, and that they actively try to break families up with it.  Because they thrive on pointless conflicts that divert attention from real issues.  That’s why every. single. conservative. pundit. talking about same sex marriage tries to make hay over the higher percentage of African-Americans that voted against it than whites or Latinos.  The hope is to increase tensions and start unnecessary grudge-holding and bickering in order to stop progress.  They realize if people could sit down and talk about these things like adults, the country would start moving to the left in a hot hurry, and they can’t have that.

I’m trying to refuse to be suckered into the turn-on-your-neighbors-and-family game.  My mother and I are really close and I certainly won’t allow this ugliness to infect that.

Comment #80: Amanda Marcotte  on  11/24  at  08:59 PM

My lifelong Republican, career military officer brother-in-law told me over dinner last Thursday that he voted for Obama.  He recognized that a cool-headed, intelligent candidate who was admired worldwide was better than a hot-headed, hidebound member of the party he had identified with for over twenty years.  He’s also a bona-fide rocket scientist, so the anti-intellectualism from his confreres really bothered him.

Thanksgiving’s gonna be interesting… mom came out as a “heathen” at Easter time (the pedophilia scandal caused her to part ways with the holy, catholic, and apostolic church), now this!

Comment #81: Big Bad Bald Bastard  on  11/24  at  09:27 PM

“Americans were too racist to vote for an African-American candidate has apparently been proven false. “

Well lets say certain parts of America were too racist to vote to be more accurate. Alabama, Georgia, Oklahoma, Alaska certaintly had the racism effect come into play.

Comment #82: tootiredoftheright  on  11/24  at  09:29 PM

I’ve already decided that if I settle down permanently with anyone who isn’t white, I will immediately disown anyone in my family, no matter how loved, who says WORD FUCKING ONE about it, or even if I hear a rumor that they did so behind my back, or if they say other racist stuff in the presence of said partner.  That would be the point at which I would take Punditus Maximus’ advice.

That was pretty much my ultimatum with my papaw.  Worked too.  He never said a single negative thing in my or my beloved’s presence about any non-white group of people.  And after a while, he started to get over some of his most dearly held racist beliefs.

Comment #83: ks  on  11/24  at  10:01 PM

My father loves arguing the liberal atheist viewpoint with disagreeing co-workers. (Among other things, he’s a university professor.) One person my father likes to argue with claims that he is a single-issue voter who votes for the viable candidate that promises the lowest taxes, regardless of that candidate’s other views. (My father has so far refrained from pointing out the obvious irony that, as a government employee, taxes pay his salary. I suppose he’d respond that he doesn’t oppose taxes on other people, just on himself.)

I also like to argue, and I tend to open my mouth when I should keep it quiet. If I went to a family gathering that was composed primarily of wingnuts, it would probably end with me having a great time until I was asked to leave, or someone decided to take a swing at me. (Think of it as trolling, only in person.)

I’m sorry, but I can’t resist doing the same here… let’s see if I can defend a position that will get people angry at me. Pick one of the following, and I’ll try to defend it.

1) The Koran qualifies as hate speech

2) Collective punishment of potentially hostile civilian populations, up to and including genocide, is the best strategy for an army engaged in counterinsurgency warfare to pursue.

3) (Suggest your own!)

Comment #84: Doug S.  on  11/24  at  10:20 PM

we’re actually going to a restaurant, which is the Thanksgiving equivalent of a plastic Christmas tree.

I’ve done the restaurant thing a few times, and to be honest, it can work really well.  The key, in my opinion, is to A) pick a restaurant which has a set Thanksgiving meal, and B) pick a place that’s really intimate.  Extra points if your restaurant of choice tends to value seasonal foods and an artisanal approach.  If it’s just going out to dinner?  Then you’re right - it’s like a plastic Christmas tree.

Comment #85: The Opoponax  on  11/24  at  10:43 PM

Theoretically, I’d be tempted to talk about how soon, President Obama will mobilize me and my fellow liberals in units that will confiscate all guns and Bibles. Going along with the truly stupid talking points is a fun way to mock them.

The double standard is evident at our gatherings too. My uncle is rude and my aunt yells over everyone, but if my parents or I reply as anything other than milquetoasts, we’re “out of the family” and my mother’s emotionally blackmailed for the unpleasantness. They may not broach the subject of politics this year, however.

Comment #86: annejumps  on  11/24  at  11:12 PM

Oh, and to the people asking why liberals just don’t go to these gatherings if they’re unpleasant: if very elderly people are involved, the fact that you won’t see them for much longer is often a reason to go, as well as a reason you “ruined” things if you don’t go.

Comment #87: annejumps  on  11/24  at  11:13 PM

Yes, what Amanda, Antigone and Megan said.

When we were teenagers my parents would tell my brother and me NOT to argue with our conservative relatives because they didn’t like looking stupid and it was obvious we knew the facts and they didn’t. They pretty much flat out told us it wasn’t right to “embarrass” them, <ahref=“http://www.theonion.com/content/node/33566”> It’s not nice to be smarter than other people </a> etc.

Comment #88: Elizabeth  on  11/25  at  12:46 AM

I guess I’m lucky, no conservatives in my family!

I think the only people who might have voted Republican in my family is my crazy religious aunt, but she doesn’t associate with commoners like the rest of us.

Comment #89: Gozer  on  11/25  at  01:30 AM

it’s strikes me that the hammer gets dropped harder if you’re a woman, what with the emotional blackmailing and pre-show warnings to “behave”. social constraints , maybe?

Comment #90: redwards  on  11/25  at  01:30 AM

The Opoponax - Thanks. I’ll bear it in mind.

Comment #91: Molly, NYC  on  11/25  at  03:44 AM

I suppose one could bring little note cards.  Vistaprint makes ‘em cheap.

“You’re talking politics at a family gathering.  What’s the endgame here?”

Alternately,

“The reason I don’t talk politics with people who watch Fox News is that it makes me feel bad to challenge the beliefs of a perfectly nice person in public.  Perhaps we could continue this conversation in a separate room with a large amount of vodka?  Also, could you do me the same courtesy?”

Finally,

“Please don’t emotionally blackmail my mother for anything I do at this party.  She’s a much nicer person than I am and doesn’t deserve that sort of thing.”

Comment #92: Punditus Maximus  on  11/25  at  06:55 AM

With our family, there’s kind of a “respect your elders/she’s too old to know better” rule in effect so the really old folks can say whatever crap they want and we’re not supposed to say much. Shrugging and saying “That’s not what I understood,” generally work for me.

When the age gap is smaller though, well, it gets interesting. My dad and his mother got a bit sharp with each other from time to time over politics in recent years. She seemed to have taken to listening to right wing radio out of boredom, whereas my parents started turning against the Republican party over Iraq—before the war even began, I’m happy to say. They did not think a preemptive war was acceptable at all. And the financial issues have sent my fiscal conservative father up the wall!
Besides which, whether they want to admit it or not, once the scales fell from their eyes, they’ve started to turn progressive. My mom came out pro gay marriage. And Dad, last I heard,w as torn between gay marriage vs. the government setting up something like a Legal Designated Next-of-Kin, so that you could have hospital visiting rights, medical decisions, guardianship of your kids, etc, arranged for ANY type of relationship, so you could pick a cousin or best friend, as well as a lover.  seriously doubt, even if he still was unsure, if he’d have supported 8—it’s the principal of not taking away rights that would make it a No.
Anyhow, my paternal grandmother has passed away, so no more praise of Bush at the party.

Comment #93: Samantha Vimes  on  11/25  at  07:22 AM

I have ACT voters (think right-wing economic Republicans) in my family who have learned to call a truce with me on politics.  They’ve found that putting forward misinformed wingnut stupidity to a trained librarian with immediate access to the Internet and various databases is a losing game…

Comment #94: Phoenician in a time of Romans  on  11/25  at  09:31 AM

Had a visit from Mom and conservative step-father (ConStep) last weekend. Really nervous - ConStep spent the 2000 election ranting that Al Gore was going to cheat to win because he had computers in the White House with “hit lists” of Republicans, or something like that that made absolutely no sense…. so we were apprehensive, to say the least. He tries not to be racist and he likes and promotes educated women, but he’s had plenty of wingnut moments—he likes to blame all problems on unions—and he’d always vote Republican, no matter what.

First thing he says: “I’m a man without a party.” Apparently Palin was the camel-back-breaking straw. “You have to believe in dinosaurs, and she doesn’t.” Actually, I think her type believes that dinosaurs were around at the same time as homo sapiens, but we understood. You cannot reject basic science. We were thinking, you’ve only just realized now who ran your party and their insanity?

It turned out to be a nice weekend. He probably voted for Obama, or didn’t vote. Hopefully there’ll be nice surprises for some of you, too.

Comment #95: wapsie  on  11/25  at  10:55 AM

Fuck that shit! Comrade PhysioProf likes to get fucking plastered at family events and just mercilessly hound his right-wing asshole relatives!! In fact, he has purchased a tee-shirt with a blue donkey fucking a red elephant to wear over the holidays!

Comment #96: Comrade PhysioProf  on  11/26  at  09:44 PM

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Comment #97: VanDenn  on  11/27  at  10:36 PM

Tyro, Slacktivist is exactly where I read what fragments of LB I have read. Mom is not net-mobile, but I would strongly recommend it to her.

However, since she is the target audience and approaches them as a faith-reinforcement rather than an actual story, the idea of actual characterization is lost on her.

We’re having a good thanksgiving. My sister managed a grace that didn’t offend any of the five faiths in the room of 9 people.

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