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Next entry: Rest In Pieces, Circuit Shitty Previous entry: Oh, Morning Joe

Your tax dollars at work: clown teaches abstinence-only ed in Ohio middle schools

I sh*t you not. My jaw dropped when blogger Joe Sonka sent me this one. The AIDS Taskforce of Greater Cleveland alerted him to the work of one Derek Dye, who is employed by the Elizabeth New Life Center. The organization landed an $800K grant to promote abstinence-only education.

Dye goes around to schools dressed like a clown to juggle and tell middle schoolers with statements like “Having sex before you are married is just like juggling machetes!” OK, never mind that the kids probably think this guy is asinine and ridiculous, take a look at the deep knowledge about sex ed that Dye brings to the table. Again, I sh*t you not:

His qualifications? A “Bachelor of Fun Arts” from Barnum Bailey Clown College, and an abstinence educator certification that can be purchased for $50.

...What’s more, abstinence-only programs don’t work – independent study after study has shown that students who receive them don’t have lower pregnancy, HIV, or STI rates. And worse, students who receive abstinence-only programs are less likely to use contraception and condoms when they do have sex.

Then again, as one colleague told me today, nothing wants to make her have sex less than a clown… so maybe they’re on to something.

Watch the scintillating Dye at work and think of your tax dollars going up in smoke (I’m warning you—protect your keyboard):

 

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Posted by Pam Spaulding on 02:10 PM • (43) Comments

Dye goes around to schools dressed like a clown

Truth in advertising, at least.

I wonder if he runs this organisation, too (SFW)—he’s a clown who’s sex-negative, after all.

Comment #1: Gracchus  on  01/16  at  02:18 PM

Clowns are scary. See Poltergeist and It. Perhaps a better target market for a clown as educator would be younger children in elementary schools, were the right already suspects the Dark Horsemen of the Homosexual Agenda are giving fisting demonstrations anyway.

Comment #2: Luke  on  01/16  at  02:21 PM

This is all I could think about after reading about that:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nMO_DPA76wE

Comment #3: Lisa KS  on  01/16  at  02:23 PM

the Dark Horsemen of the Homosexual Agenda

They ride sidesaddle, right?

Comment #4: Nobody in Particular  on  01/16  at  02:28 PM

That school needs some counter-progamming.

Comment #5: Neue Internetpräsenz  on  01/16  at  02:37 PM

the Dark Horsemen of the Homosexual Agenda

They ride sidesaddle, right?

That depends on how the previous evening went.

Comment #6: MAJeff, God of Biscuits  on  01/16  at  02:37 PM

Clowns are scary. See Poltergeist and It

...and the Bush Administration

Comment #7: "Fair and Balanced" Dave  on  01/16  at  02:38 PM

They ride sidesaddle, right?

That reminds me, Dan Savage is inviting readers to poll for a new defintion for the term “saddlebacking,”, similar to how he successfully re-defined the word “Santorum” from a former wingnut Senator to ... well, Google the word “santorum.”

My vote goes to option 5:

“‘Saddlebacking’ should be the term for the phenomenon of Christian teens engaging in unprotected anal sex in order to preserve their virginities. ‘After attending the Purity Ball, Heather and Bill saddlebacked all night because she’s saving herself for marriage.’

Comment #8: Gracchus  on  01/16  at  02:46 PM

Gracchus: I voted for 5, too.

Comment #9: seeker6079  on  01/16  at  02:48 PM

He can only juggle three things at a time. How crap.
And yes, your DREAM is a very thin, delicate membrane, I mean, er, thing like tissue paper and when it’s gone it’s GONE! You’ve got to save your DREAM, do you understand?

Comment #10: MissPrism  on  01/16  at  02:50 PM

I too voted for 5.  Everyone go vote for 5.  Avenge the humiliation of Pandagon in the recent meaningless online poll by voting in another meaningless online poll.  It’s your civic duty.

Comment #11: togolosh  on  01/16  at  02:52 PM

I wonder if he’s lying about the BFA from B&B; they work people pretty hard, and graduates can usually get better gigs that this one.

Comment #12: paul  on  01/16  at  02:57 PM

That depends on how the previous evening went.

Ba-dum-tsssh.

Comment #13: Nobody in Particular  on  01/16  at  03:02 PM

Gracchus, that’s hilarious. I love it!

Will it get used much, though? I hope so.

Comment #14: Essie the Elephant  on  01/16  at  03:23 PM

Dammit, where’s the Joker when you really need him?

Comment #15: damnedyankee  on  01/16  at  03:28 PM

Gob Bluth would make a fine a-o educator.

Comment #16: Viceroy Matt  on  01/16  at  03:29 PM

Didn’t Family Guy have an episode where Brian becomes an anti-narcotics cop, and goes to speak at an elementary school as Officer Friendly, only to be followed on stage by Jerry the Sexually Abstinent Police Clown?

Life imitates art.  Or, life imitates animated FOX shows, anyway.

Comment #17: Midwest Product  on  01/16  at  03:30 PM

“Having sex before you are married is just like juggling machetes!”

You mean, if I keep trying and practicing I’ll get really good at it?

Comment #18: Uncle Mike  on  01/16  at  04:13 PM

y r u all such h8ters? Don’t h8, appreci8:

Teaching abstinence is a big step up for this guy from his previous job—peddling waterless cookery sets at county fairs and home improvement shows. Or maybe it was selling synthetic “shammies”. I know I’ve seen him somewhere before.

students who receive abstinence-only programs are less likely to use contraception and condoms when they do have sex.

Of course. Having sex outside of marriage is wrong, probably the worst thing you can do. So you must never, ever do anything that would indicate you are planning to do this terrible thing. But, if you’re merely swept away on a tide of passion after the prom, like little Bristol Palin, your resulting baby is understandable and pardonable.

Comment #19: Hector B.  on  01/16  at  04:27 PM

Good grief.  How does the man get out of bed every morning?  I mean, he could stub his toe!  He could slip and fall in the shower!  His mode of transportation could get into some terrible accident!  He could choke on food!  And remember, he said that the only way to reach your goals is to completely eliminate risk!

I haven’t heard such a load of horse hockey since my job at the college TV station had me go videotape an anti-homosexual conference at a local church.  (Didn’t make it all the way through.  Got to intermission, burst into tears, and had to have a co-worker finish taping.  I’ve never believed the “hate the sin, not the sinner” bit since.  Those people really hated the sinner.)

Comment #20: Karinna A.  on  01/16  at  04:34 PM

Ok, there are worse things in the world than Patch Adams.

Comment #21: Suckersapien  on  01/16  at  04:45 PM

Today, there are few conseqences to having sex out of wedlock and the resulting pregnancy.

You can tell your family and friends to shove it since you will not need their support with all of the government programs. WIC, AFDC, Sec 8, etc. And there are no social controls such as shame or stigma.

So who’s surprised that more and more out of wedlock pregnancies happen?

Comment #22: Constantine  on  01/16  at  04:51 PM

“So who’s surprised that more and more out of wedlock pregnancies happen?”

...you forgot to talk about abortion parties, abortuaries, the Gay Menace, libruls hating families, the holocaust of birth control, and the grave importance of religion as the only way to hold back man’s tendency to be immoral…

Did I miss anything?...

Comment #23: MikeEss  on  01/16  at  05:01 PM

So kids are supposed to abstain from alcohol, tobacco, illegal drugs and premarital sex?

Hear that, kids?  CHUGGING COUGH SYRUP IS O.K.!

I can hear the seals being broken on the bottles now…

Comment #24: aghast  on  01/16  at  05:11 PM

  the Dark Horsemen of the Homosexual Agenda

I thought they wore pastels?

Comment #25: Phoenician in a time of Romans  on  01/16  at  05:24 PM

Today, there are few conseqences to having sex out of wedlock and the resulting pregnancy.

Yeah, if only the government stopped interfering (except when it comes to banning abortions and reality-based birth control, where government interference is A-Ok with clowns like this ... clown), those sluts and their brats would be back on the streets, just like in the ‘50s—the 1850s.

Comment #26: Gracchus  on  01/16  at  05:31 PM

I will never wear argyle again ...

Comment #27: Tonybrown74  on  01/16  at  05:36 PM

So who’s surprised that more and more out of wedlock pregnancies happen?

Well, look at it this way: when out-of-wedlock pregnancies happen, we have options beyond “Marry the person and, as likely as not, spend the rest of your natural life regretting it and swallowing down the bile, or at least until grandkids come”. There’s a number of folk in my family that fall into that category, and brother, there ain’t enough money in the world.

Options are nice. Absolutes, not so much.

Comment #28: Matt T.  on  01/16  at  05:51 PM

Oh.  Yes.  The way to reach Kids These Days is to use a clown.  Of…course.

If I have any understanding of anyone under the age of 21, I’d have to say that they view clowns as either:

1) universally repulsive and creepily dangerous in that Uncle-don’t-touch-me-there way or

2) as stupid and funny as a box of rocks.

I swear some of the abstience/no sex/no abortion people must have chosen “clueless” as their primary cultural value.

Comment #29: tannenburg  on  01/16  at  05:56 PM

Does Kinko the Clown also have special abstince-only programming aimed at not having gay sex?  Or is abstinence one of those special kinky non-practices limited to the heterosexual lifestyle?

Comment #30: Ms Kate  on  01/16  at  06:04 PM

Figures. Clowns run the churches. Clowns ran the government that funded the churches to lie about sex-ed. And so, to have an actual clown doing the touring around to schools is just more icing on the shitcake that the GOP is leaving the rest of us to eat while they cruise out of office and into cushy jobs and retirements on our dollars.

Comment #31: dejah thoris  on  01/16  at  06:15 PM

My sister works for the Aids Task Force of Greater Cleveland in the Public Policy department.  I’m so proud of the work she’s done on this and the many other projects.

Comment #32: Tim  on  01/16  at  06:44 PM

I saw one of these abstinence/don’t do drugs/whatever program a few years ago at a local high school . It had skits about learning to fight peer pressure and such and breaking boards.

Also a musical interlude where the actors/board breakers posed to “With Arms Wide Open” by Creed.

I’m a professional, so I didn’t guffaw even once.

Comment #33: witless chum  on  01/16  at  07:28 PM

Why does it make me think of this:  http://www.hulu.com/watch/11809/family-guy-the-truth-about-sex

Comment #34: pablo  on  01/16  at  07:58 PM

What tannenburg said.

Comment #35: Samantha Vimes  on  01/16  at  09:13 PM

The guy’s apparently unmarried (no mention of a wife on the website, no wedding ring, plus he just doesn’t seem all that marriagiable). So is he holding out for matrimony himself?

Maybe he is; he looks like someone who could be seriously into child molestation once he works out his approach. And I must say, a career as a professional abstinence clown is a brilliant choice for that.

Comment #36: Molly, NYC  on  01/16  at  10:37 PM

Well, frankly, Molly, maybe this is his front for why he can’t get any.  “I choose not to have sex, so that I can keep living this…dream…”

Comment #37: Atheist Feminazi  on  01/16  at  10:57 PM

Well, I guess with all the time I’ll save not ever having sex I can…learn to juggle? That seems, um…cool…

Comment #38: Bagelsan  on  01/17  at  04:06 AM

Constantine, you are so right.  Why, I have three kids right now.  I named them Regret, Misfortune, and Fuckup.  I am pregnant with twins right now.  I’m going to name them Con and Sequence.

Comment #39: speedbudget  on  01/17  at  11:00 AM

Because nothing says wholesome like a clown who thinks about sex and kids.

Seriously—it wasn’t even during my time and I know about John Wayne Gacy.

WTF people?!

Comment #40: Mighty Ponygirl  on  01/17  at  11:38 AM

I posted these on Dailykos.  Thought you might want to see them (note: they aren’t entirely comprehensive due to the incredible amount of information and types of birth control, but they cover barrier methods and most common STDs)

Combating abstinence-only education:what your young adult should know about sex (part 1)

Combating abstinence-only education:what your young adult should know about sex (part 2)

Comment #41: Mrs. W's class  on  01/17  at  12:44 PM

Putz as a clown.  My rommie could juggle more, was more fun to watch, and had better lines.  They got their training as a gopher for a street performer.

Your kids would have to be ‘special’ to listen to this and not snark on it.  That, or Fundie.

Comment #42: Mold  on  01/17  at  01:15 PM

speedbudget - i can see abstinence only worked great for you… you know there ARE resources online that explain how to have sex WITHOUT resulting in pregnancy so you won’t have more kids that just suffer for your mistakes.

Comment #43: Kat  on  01/19  at  05:33 PM
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