I know this whole thing is probably disconcerting for her, but thanks to Jaclyn Friedman for pointing me to the most comically incoherent bout of slut-shaming I’ve read in a long ass time. See, Jaclyn wrote a moving story about how making the move to straight up slutting it up was liberating for her. Contrary to the incoherent claims of her critic Susan Walsh, Jaclyn did not suggest that trolling Craig’s List for casual sex is the right thing for everyone or the right response to every situation. And, unlike Susan, I can prove my claims! While Jaclyn’s essay is very much about how sluthood worked for her, when she says that she’s telling her story for others, she doesn’t say, “Because everyone should sleep around all the time and not want anything else.”
Sluthood isn’t a disease, or a wrong path, or a trend that’s ruining our youth. It isn’t just for detached, unemotional women who “fuck like men,” (as if that actually meant something), consequences be damned. It isn’t ever inevitable that sluthood should inspire violence or shame. Sluthood isn’t just a choice we should let women make because women should be free to make even “bad” choices. It’s a choice we should all have access to because it has the potential to be liberating. Healing. Soul-fulfilling. I’m telling you this because sluthood saved me, in a small but life-altering way, and I want it to be available to you if you ever think it could save you, too. Or if you want it for any other reason at all. And because even if you don’t ever want sluthood for yourself, you’re going to be called upon to support a slut. I’m telling you this because when that happens, I want you to say yes.
Access to =/ a mandate. At the end, she suggests your only real duty is to support your friends if they decide to have casual sex, but certainly no duty to do it yourself is implied. This is very, very important, because Susan Walsh has very strong ideas about how there’s only one path for everyone, and so she makes the mistake of thinking that’s what Jaclyn is saying. Even though Jaclyn already stated up front that she’d done her time in monogamous relationships, and figures she will again one day.
On to Walsh’s piece, because seriously, the incoherence may put Sarah Palin’s baffling use of the word “cojones” to shame.
Women who understand the power of sex, the incredible chemistry of it, women who know that sex is not casual physiologically speaking, women who do not embrace a life of sluthood, are indeed left alone by many men. That’s a good thing in some ways, but terribly disappointing in others. Very few women embrace the notion of receiving zero male attention once word gets out that they are not slutty. They cannot compete with determined sluts in the marketplace among these men.
I found this to be super awesome, because usually the faux concern aimed at loose women is about how no one will ever love them. But now they just suck up all the cock, leaving none behind for the ladies who like to wait it out a little. So you’re obligated to stop fucking so other women don’t feel they have to. This argument, taken to its logical conclusion, basically means that we can’t wear lipstick (or not), can’t have a sense of humor (or not), can’t be skinny (or not), can’t be curvy (or not), and absolutely can’t date. Because if a man finds out that he prefers this quality over that quality in a woman, then women who don’t have that quality will always be left out.
Fuck it. Let’s assign partners by lottery. Screw this notion that we should enjoy each other’s company.
Notice, by the way, that women’s preferences (for a man who moves fast vs. a man who moves slow, for instance) aren’t even considered? We just want someone with a pulse and a penis to validate our existence, I suppose.
We got into a Twitter battle over this, and I kept trying to get Susan to define a “slut” for me, based on the universally understood idea belief that you’re a slut once your Number gets over a certain point. Realizing she wasn’t going to win any friends settling on a number, Susan dodged the question, saying instead, “I reject theconcept of a #. Women should listen to their own instincts. If it makes you feel like crap, stop doing it.” But of course, she’s lying (or really, really fucking stupid), because she attacks Jaclyn for feeling good about her choices. If she doesn’t want women to feel like crap, she should be applauding Jaclyn’s piece, which had thrilling lines like:
“I’m telling you this because sluthood saved me. Sluthood gave me the time and space to nurse a shattered heart.”
And:
“I’ve remembered how much I like pleasure, and how much of it there is in the world. I’ve had to learn how to reject people nicely but clearly, and learn how to appreciate a generous rejection when it’s aimed at me.”
Oh, and: